


When I say I'm Broken

by ForgottenGirl



Series: When I Say [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hell, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-10-16 10:50:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10569786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForgottenGirl/pseuds/ForgottenGirl
Summary: Time works differently in hell.An hour feels like days. Days like months. Years like centuries. I don't know how long it took, I don't know how many lifetimes had passed before he came.Dean Winchester.But when he did, everything changed.





	1. Lazarus Rising

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys this story will begin at Season 4 
> 
> .

_And I've been trying hard to forget the taste of your name on my lips_

 

_To unlearn the sound of your voice in my ear, to unfeel your touch on my skin_

 

_But some things it seems no matter how you try, are not meant to be erased_

 

 

()()()()()()

 

_Abigail,_

  _There are a million ways to say I'm sorry, but none of them will ever be enough._ _I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. And I will continue to do so long after I am gone._ _Remember that when you are angry, when you are sad, remember it too when you are happy and when you laugh. Remember that I loved on the good days and the bad. Remember, because one day I am sure you may try to forget, but I beg you to remember instead. Because in the end, that is all I am. Your big sister, the one who loved you to the very end._

 

_Love,_

_Jules. Yours xx_

 

()()()()()()()

 

 

I remember screaming. I remember the sound as it echoed from my mouth. I remember thinking that it was not the sound of me. Not the voice of who I am. I remember the feeling of flesh tearing away from bone. I remember the sting, the smell of copper, and the burn of my body bleeding out its warmth. Finally, I remember feeling sleepy, and the dark and how willingly I let it come.

 

 

I should have spent my years learning to be wicked. I should have learned how to give up the heart. You see, they string you up. They cut you down. They make you hollow, they bleed you out. They pull. They poke. They stab in all the places that you'd rather they couldn't see. They strip you until you are ruined, bearing no resemblance to something with humanity. They reside inside your head. They whisper sweet secrets of misery. They twist your memories into nightmares and make you beg to forget.

 

And one day you do.

 

There is no such thing as a soul unable to break.

 

You see, hell is for the damned, and I should have lived a life worth burning for.

 

()()()()()()()()

 

_Could you ever have sympathy for the monster?_

 

_Could you ever listen long enough to know their story?_

 

_Or do you hate them simply for what they've become?_

 

()()()()()()()()()()

 

I was fifteen the first time the devil came to me.

 

You may not believe in such things, but sometimes you don't have to believe in order for it to be true.

 

The devil was handsome, with a hint of mischief behind pale blue eyes. The devil handed out promises like it was the one thing that he was built to do. The devil was a lover, and I had always been a fighter.

 

So, when he whispered ways to save my baby sister. I held on tight to the hand he cinched around my heart like it was a lifeline. Because it was.

 

Abigail was sweet, and she was just a baby at ten years old. A baby with a curse. Stage four bone cancer. Osteosarcoma. Which meant my baby sister was dying; cancer was slowly taking over her body, one small piece at a time.

 

But the devil swore I could save her. I could stop it all. All I had to do was promise that in ten years I would give myself to him. And really, those pale blue eyes didn't look so bad. That crooked smile, not so scary. And his smooth crooning voice? Well, it didn't make me want to say no.

 

So I said yes.

 

I was fifteen years old the first time I agreed to kill myself.

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

Abigail Morgan was scurrying to grab her books, her coffee, and her keys. And I was an asshole. Because I was not bothering to tell her that I knew exactly where her keys were. Instead, I smiled as she raced past me, her eyes wide and searching.

 

Okay, maybe I wasn't that much of an asshole. I only let her search frantically for a few minutes before I cleared my throat and waited for my baby sister to slow down enough to notice me. “Ahem.”

 

“What?” She practically hissed as she came to an abrupt stop to stare at me.

 

“Your keys?”

 

She narrowed her eyes at me as she stomped closer, yanking them from my open hand. “How long were you planning on just letting me run around in a panic before you said something?!”

 

I shrugged. “Till right now.”

 

“You're the worst.”

 

“No, I'm not.”

 

She rolled her eyes at me before taking a deep breath. “You're a little bit the worst.” But she was smiling as she said it.

 

“You love me.” I smiled back.

 

“Only a little bit!” She was back to rushing, making her way to the front door. Not even bothering to glance back as she called to me over her shoulder.

 

Abigail Morgan was in her second year of medical school. She was in the top 10 % of her class. She was going to do something great with her life. And the best thing I ever did, was save her.

 

I sighed after the door slammed shut and Abby was gone. Being alone meant I didn't have to pretend everything was okay. Because it most certainly was not.

 

Two days ago the visions began. Horrible, frightening images. Images that reminded me of how quickly ten years could pass you by. My ten years were up. And I was going to die.

 

I didn't know it then. I didn't understand at fifteen what it meant to give yourself to the devil. I was too naive to know that it meant you'd be taken. You'd be taken in the most awful of ways.

 

Now, that is not to say I wouldn't have still said yes. Because knowing doesn't change the fact that the best thing I ever did was save my baby sister.

 

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

Whiskey makes most things better. I was drowning in whiskey today.

 

“Jules!”

 

I twisted around to find my sister shooting daggers at my head. “What?” I half slurred back.

 

“You almost drank the whole damn bottle.” She came closer, lowering her voice to a small hiss. “What is wrong with you?”

 

I licked my lips and tried to shake my head, but the motion made me feel sick. I didn't want to be sick. “Nothin.”

 

Abby sighed as she crouched down and slowly reached a hand out. Her fingers skimmed across my arm, down to my wrist, over my hand, and finally landed on the bottle. She tugged gently, and I let my death grip loosen just enough for her to take it from me. “I'm sorry about Joey. But you know this was your idea. 'Let's get the family together, let's have a nice dinner, let have a good time’, you said.” She pursed her lips at me. “But you had to go and get all drunk. Now everyone's staring. Aunt Candice thinks you have a drinking problem!”

 

I laughed at that. Like I cared what Candice thought, she was always a snob. And Joey? “It's not about Joey,” I answered ruefully.

 

Abby rolled her eyes as she seated herself beside me on the bench instead of kneeling down in front of me. “Well, if it was about Joey... I'd understand. You two were together for five years. And then...” She shrugged her shoulders.

 

She didn't understand why it suddenly ended. And neither did Joey. But in my defense, I had assumed hating someone you had once loved would be easier to move on from, rather than grieving over the loss of the supposed love of your life. I frowned. Too bad I wasn't brave enough to deploy the same trickery on my sister. I loved her far too much to make her hate me. Or maybe it wasn't about love, but more about being selfish. I needed to see how much she loved me too.

 

“No. Abby. No.” My eyes glazed over as I glanced out toward the crowd of family and friends that had gathered here today. This was goodbye. They didn't know that though.

 

It made me happy to see them all one last time. Our parents, uncles, aunts, little cousins and our last remaining grandparents. Our family littered our back yard, and for the most part, our family was good, our family was happy. I smiled as I watched my mom throw her head back, laughing at something my dad had said.

 

“Jules?” Abby nudged my shoulder, drawing my attention back to her, and I searched her face. “Oh god. Julia! Why are you crying?” She wrapped her arms around me in the hug I so desperately needed.

 

“It's... I love you, Abigail.”

 

Abby pulled away from me, holding me at arm's length. “You're scaring me.” Her eyes scanned my face as she bit her lower lip lightly

 

I shook my head as I waved her off. “Don't be scared.” I tried to smile and not wince as her face morphed into something dark and evil for not the first time that day. It felt like I only had a few hours left. I could feel my life ticking away by the seconds. Though I knew I had until the clock struck midnight. I had done my research; I'd read more than I ever should have.

 

“I'm just... I'm fine.” I nodded at her, my lame attempt to assure her that everything would be fine.

 

The truth was. Nothing was going to be fine.

 

Only be five short hours later, she would find my body sprawled across the floor of our bathroom.

 

She would sob in hysterics, not understanding the wounds inflicted on my body, the animal-like scratches that would cut me to the bone. She would scream my name. She would beg the heavens above. And in the end, it wouldn't matter, it wouldn't stop the blood pouring out of me, and it wouldn't bring me back from the depths of hell.

 

()()()()()()()()()()

 

Time works differently in hell.

 

Hours feels like days. Days like months. Years like centuries. I don't know how long it took;, I don't know how many lifetimes had passed before he came.

 

Dean Winchester.

 

I remember the first time he stood before me. I remember thinking, this boy is being punished, just as much as I am. I remember because he looked at me with such care, with such agony.

 

Those first few times, he had winced with me. He had felt every blow to my body that he had inflicted as if they had landed on him and not on me. He'd shaken with ugly sobs every time he was done, he had fallen to his knees. He'd begged for it to stop. He was different then. He wasn't this version of himself, the one he had now become.

 

I hold onto that. I hold onto that first him. Not the one in front of me today. Not this Dean. You see, the devil was trying to break him. The devil won. Dean Winchester broke, and now it was my turn.

 

“Julia.” Green eyes stared down at me. His freckled face only inches from my bruised and beaten one. His hands were the weapons. My body his favorite thing to use them on.

 

And I didn't want to see his face. I didn't want to breathe his smell. I didn't want to know the feel of his skin. I didn't want any of it, so I tore my gaze away from his face and studied the stone floor beneath us.

 

“Come on. You act like we're strangers.” Dean smirked as he took a step back. “And we are not strangers.”

 

Slowly I lifted my eyes back up to his. I wondered if I would ever see the old him again. I slumped against the chains that held my hands up above my head. My legs were achingly tired. I was tired. I was always so tired.

 

Dean's laughter sent chills racing up and down my ruined body. He was in a mood today; who knew why.

 

“Julia.” Dean clucked his tongue as he spun in place, his attention focused on the table behind him. Weapons were scattered across it:. Knives that prodded, wires that cut, metal that scorched. Anything horrible you could imagine. Today, my eyes narrowed in on the weapon Dean selected, a tiny needle, something perhaps you would find in a doctor's office. Though this was no doctor's office, and I was no patient.

 

It was worth it. It was worth it. Every jab, every stab, every cut inflicted on me. It was worth it. It was worth it.

 

“Come on!” Dean roared against my ear, as his hand steadied itself against my body. “Jules. Come on.”

 

My breath caught as he slowly pierced the flesh just below my rib cage with the needle. I watched his Adam's apple bob as he took a nervous swallow. I blinked, was that something close to sympathy?

 

Dean broke the trance between us as he pulled away, taking the needle with him as he went. His shoulders slumped and he lifted his eyes to the ceiling above us. I did the same. Screaming.

 

Everything was screaming. The hairs on the back of my neck stood tall. Dean flicked his eyes to me. Confusion raced through them. What the hell was happening? I winced as the screaming turned to something inconceivable. So loud. So demanding. It coursed through my entire body. It was blinding. No. The screaming wasn't blinding. The room was blinding. Brilliant white, so bright I had to close my eyes.

 

The screaming turned to angry whispers. Whispers that filled my mind, making it impossible to think. “Dean Winchester must be saved.” Over and over and over again.

 

And I was screaming too. Screaming to drown out the agony filling the room.

 

And then just like that it stopped.

 

Everything was gone. Dean was gone. The chains were gone. I was gone.

 

()()()()()()()()()

 

My hands groped wildly at my surroundings. I was in a box. I was in a goddamn box! I tried to scream as I pounded a fist against the wood. But my voice cracked, and all the pounding did was knock down dirt onto my face, which made me sputter and choke.

 

No no. No. What was happening? My lungs burned as I tried to slow my breathing. I had to think. I needed to think.

 

Slowly my eyes adjusted to the dark. I swallowed back bile, as I realized. I wasn't just in a box. I was in a casket. I was in a fucking casket. No doubt, my own.

 

Was this a sick joke? Was this a new way to break me? Confinement in the sickest way possible? I closed my eyes and counted down from a hundred. It was just another cruel game, that was what the devil was good at. He was good at playing games. I nodded my head. Yeah. It was a game.

 

Except. I opened my eyes again and scanned the box. What if it wasn't?

 

My fingers pried at the fabric that lined the box beneath me. Tugged until it tore. I used my nails to scratch at the wood, until I managed to reveal a screw. I pulled and pulled and twisted the screw with all of my might until I managed to get it just a little bit loose. This was useless. My heart pounded against my chest. So, what they brought me back to life, only to have me die again... buried in my own casket?

 

I blinked back tears. No, I wanted to fight. I was a fighter... right? I shook my head and pulled again at the screw. My fingers were bleeding, worn raw from all the twisting, but if I could just pry the screw out, then maybe I could scratch my way to the surface? Except, even I didn't believe that. I needed help.

 

I closed my eyes and let out a small cry. I needed help. “Please. Please.” I whispered the word over and over again. “Julia Morgan must be saved too. Please.” Talking was wasting the air around me. But I had to get the words out of me, the silent accusations in my head... they needed to be expelled. So I screamed with all of the anger I ever had held onto. “Dean Winchester must be saved, and so should I... Julia Morgan must be saved too dammit!” It poured out of my mouth like a command.

 

I screamed myself to exhaustion, and then I cried until my body fell into sleep. I was so tired.

 

My eyes fluttered open and I held my breath when I first heard it. The wailing sound. Oh god. Panic filled my lungs as I realized this had always been a joke, and they were taking me back again.

 

“No!” I pounded a hand against the lid of the box. “Please no!”

 

I had to slam my eyes shut as the screaming became unbearable and light suddenly filled the small space around me.

 

My body felt like it was being ripped through time. Like I was floating, yet moving at a speed too fast to be real. And then it stopped. I was left with my ears ringing and my head pounding with a single word echoing in my mind. _Castiel._

 

 

Cautiously I opened my eyes. I was sprawled out in the middle of a field. It looked as though a bomb had gone off, and I was at the center of it. I squinted down at my body. I was in a silver dress with a single black bow wrapped around my waist. I frowned at my shoes, I hated high heels, but that's exactly what were on my feet.

 

I licked my lips as I fully took in the scenery around me. It wasn't an open field. It was a cemetery, and most of it seemed to have been destroyed. Tombstones were overturned, flowers left behind by loved ones were tossed carelessly away. And some caskets were now even exposed. Fuck.

 

I stood slowly on wobbly feet, and finally lifted my face to the sun above me. Oh, the feel of it after so many years of darkness, was unexplainable. I smiled up into the sky as I inhaled deeply, the smell was heavenly. So much better than the damp musty air of the cells I'd spent the last fifty years living in.  
  
Finally, I attempted a clumsy first step. No. I frowned down at those damn high heels before kicking them off. I contemplated leaving them behind before eventually deciding to bend down and scoop them up. Someone had given them to me for a reason, right?

 

I walked in the direction that would lead me to town. I'd grown up here. I'd died here—I stopped at the sudden thought. Oh god. But—how do you go back to being alive after being dead? My heart galloped as my mind raced with questions. How long had it been? Was my family even alive? And if they were—how would I explain my sudden return from the literal grave? Fuck

 

I turned in place, my eyes scanning everything. I was alone, but I didn't feel alone. It felt like eyes were on me. And I couldn't have that. I couldn't be seen. I ran a hand through my hair and mentally cursed myself for believing even for a second that I could just go home.

 

I almost laughed as I pictured it. The happy reunion. “Oh hey, Abby! Just back from the dead—no big deal.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates on Saturday!


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

_If you believe in the devil then do you have to believe in God too?_

 

_Maybe you believe in divine intervention. Maybe sometimes miracles do come true._

 

()()()()()()()

 

I chewed my bottom lip as I tugged my hair into a high ponytail using the ribbon that had been wrapped around my waist. I needed out of here. I needed out of this town. And if I was going to make it without being spotted, well then I needed a miracle of some sort too.

 

Okay. I steadied my breathing. I counted to ten. And then I took those first fateful steps that would lead me away. I squeezed my eyes shut the first few times as a vehicle passed me by while I walked on the side of the road. Maybe I could have chosen a path further away, one buried behind the tree lines, but maybe there was also a small part of me that was wanting to be seen. It didn’t matter though, because no vehicles stopped and I had a funny thought; maybe someone or something was watching out for me after all. Maybe they knew it was best that I remained unseen, so they kept me that way.

 

It took two hours of walking before I felt safe enough to stop. My eyes scanned the small run-down building. It was an old gas station building and by the looks of it, barely operational at that. I pursed my lips as I studied it. I had to go in there. I had to. There would be water inside, and I needed water. My mouth was so dry, my tongue so thick, and my lips were cracked to the point that I feared they would bleed.

 

The attendant behind the counter nodded at me as he took in my odd attire before quickly glancing away, like he had no interest in me at all, like I wasn't the strangest thing he had ever seen stumble into his store before. I offered him a weak smile before I hurried to the back where the restrooms were located.

 

It was small and cramped, but cleaner than I expected. That was nice. I was more nervous than I thought I would be at the idea of seeing myself, and although the room was small I managed to avoid seeing myself in the mirror for almost the entire time. I pulled papers from the dispenser and used them to wipe at my underarms, which were gross and sweaty from walking under the heavy hot sun. I splashed water on my face and gulped it like it was greatest tasting thing in the world, because it was. Then, I took in a deep calming breath and lifted my eyes to the mirror.

 

My face was just as it had always been. Pointy chin, rounded cheeks, dark brown eyes with the same pale complexion I'd always had. I lifted a brow and took a step back, taking in the rest of my body. Same. All the same. Actually. I squinted at my neck, to the place that had always had a small scar from the stupid neighbor's cat. That cat had scratched me when I was only seven years old, leaving behind an angry raised scar that had never gone away. But now, that scar was gone.

 

I tugged at my dress lifting it up to expose my stomach and chest. The marks the hell hounds would have surely left were not there. Not a single mark. Not a single scratch. Nothing to prove I had been dragged to hell and back. Nothing at all—except, my eyes landed on a spot that looked as if it had been branded! Right there, on my left side, on top of my rib cage. A puffy raised mark, in the shape of a hand. My eyes flicked back to my face in the mirror. What did that mean? A hand print? A reminder that I had once been owned, or maybe worse... maybe it meant I was still owned.

 

Some would say that fate is just coincidence. They don't believe. They think destiny is nothing more than a collection of faulty decisions that lead you to where you are.

 

I think it's more than that. I feel it straight down to my bones.

 

Because when that old beige car that looked like it hadn't seen a road in more years than I could count came to a stop beside me, my heart stopped too.

 

I knew in those moments before my heart managed to start again that fate was real and that my destiny was sidling up beside me as I stood there in that hot September heat.

 

Sometimes you just know.

 

()()()()()()()()

 

I squinted against the sun, trying to shield my eyes with my hands so I could see into the car. My stomach lurched forward and my breath caught when I heard my name.

 

“Julia!”

 

Shit. No no.... no. I took a shaky step backwards, my hands flinging out like they could stop the inevitable from happening. It was all a joke and he was back to take me home.

 

_Run._

 

My bare feet scrambled to propel my body forward. I had to run like my life depended on it, because it did.

 

“No! Wait. Julia!”

 

I gulped air and demanded my legs to pump harder as I leaned forward and pushed myself to run faster than I ever had in all my life, and in all my death.

 

“STOP!”

 

I wasn't fast enough. I could hear his feet pounding against the pavement just behind me, making strides that I could never make. I could smell him and I could feel him as his arms snaked out and wrapped themselves around my body.

 

“No!” I sobbed as I tried to slam my body weight into him, a lame attempt to make him stumble.

 

He had scooped me up though, and I was fighting for nothing. He was stronger than I could ever be.

 

“Shh...” He soothed against my ear as he gently lowered us both to the ground. “It's okay. It's okay.”

 

“No, please Dean... just let me go _please_.” My vision blurred as I let him hold me, as I let him take me back. This was it; he had won. I didn’t have as much fight in me as I had thought.

 

Dean shifted beneath me as he lifted my legs so they draped over his and I let him bury my face against his chest. He rocked us both, and as he did my cries slowly stilled. His shirt and my face were both soaked with my tears. The sun was still above us, and the earth below us, but most importantly, we were still here and not in Hell.

 

I lifted my head. “Why?” I tried to seem braver than I was. Because I was! I was brave, damn it. “Why would you let me go... just to take me back?”

 

Dean squinted at me. “I didn't—I don't.” He shook his head. “I don't know what you mean?”

 

I swallowed and shifted. “You don't know?”

 

Dean grimaced under my stare. “How much do you remember?”

 

“Remember?” I closed my eyes against the sudden bombardment of images that flashed before them. “I remember it all Dean.”

 

I felt him flex under me and draw in a sharp breath. “I don't...”

 

My eyes snapped open to study him. His face was pained, his eyes full of sincerity. “You don't?”

 

Dean shook his head. “I... I remember you. But I don't know how or what happened.” He licked his lips and ran a hand through his short hair.

 

I shifted. “You don't remember Hell?” I whispered the last word too afraid that somehow if the devil heard me say it, he'd find me and drag me back.

 

Dean swallowed hard and slowly pulled me up with him as he stood, dusting himself off. “No. I don't remember. But you do?” He eyed me cautiously.

 

My fingers gripped the edge of my dress and twisted it nervously. “Yes. How do you not remember Dean?”

 

Dean shook shook his head, and I studied his face again. “ I don't know. It's all, it's all blank.”

 

My eyes narrowed at his confession. “Then how do you know me Dean?

 

He lifted his brows and swallowed. “Like I said, I don't know. I just saw you, and I knew that I knew you.”

 

It made no sense. I pursed my lips. It made no sense that he would know me, but forget the rest of it. I studied him, maybe he didn't remember because the Dean that he had become, was not the Dean standing in front of me? I could remember that first him... maybe the one that came after, was gone?

 

I swallowed and finally nodded. “Well... that's a good thing Dean. It's good you don't remember.” I twisted to glance at the still idling car parked in the middle of the road. “Where are you going?” I turned my attention back to Dean. He was watching me. Having those eyes back on me made me feel like screaming, but also made me feel like home. I shifted away, putting a little bit more of space between the two of us.

 

“I got family West of here. I uh, was driving there.”

 

I squinted at him. “Family? You think that's a good idea?” Suddenly I felt regret at my decision not to find my own.

 

Dean nodded. “Yeah. Well, they... we deal with this kind of stuff. You know? The supernatural.”

 

“Supernatural?” I flicked my eyes up to the blue sky. “My family would probably lose their minds if I just showed up. The supernatural was not a part of my family's world.”

 

I didn't hear him approaching, but I felt him. I felt the tension of a chord tightening in my stomach. I felt his fingers lightly touch my shoulder. And I felt the slight pull of an invisible rope, tugging me to him. “I imagine they would.” Dean answered softly. “You can come with me, I can help set you up. I mean, finding you here, there's gotta be a reason for that right?”

 

I shifted to look at him. He was standing beside me, soft green eyes silently pleading for me to follow him. “Yeah. I guess there's gotta be a reason.”

 

 

 

()()()()()()()()

_If you spent a lifetime living in pain,._

 

_Could you forgive the one whose hands caused you to bleed?_

()()()()()()()()

 

I twitched in the seat beside him. My nerves were on fire. Thousands of memories were crashing through my mind. Every stab, every cut... every wound he had ever caused.

 

“Are you okay?” Dean glanced over at me, his eyes filled with worry.

 

I shifted and wrapped my arms tightly around my waist. “Yeah. I'm okay.”

 

“Hungry?” He quirked his chin towards the back seat. “I snagged some food before I found you.”

 

I twisted to look. “Yeah.” I didn't waste any time before pulling the bag up and onto my lap. My stomach felt like it could eat itself.

 

Dean smiled as he watched me rummage through the items, mainly candy bars. I didn't care what it was;, my mouth watered at the idea of anything at all. I tore open a Hershey's bar and shoveled it into my mouth.

 

“Oh god!” I groaned through a mouthful. “This is so good.”

 

“I know right!?” Dean nodded approvingly as he slapped a hand against the steering wheel. And I winced at the motion.

 

I remained silent though, nodding only once in return. I finished off the chocolate bar before putting the bag back. I was sore, I was tired, and I hoped that we'd be where ever we were going soon. Because I needed to put some space between me and the monster beside me.

 

I flicked my eyes over to study him. Maybe if I could just convince myself that he was the Dean I had first met, the one who wore pain like it was a bade, the one who had tried so hard to be unbreakable, the one who in the end begged for forgiveness, even as he broke.

 

 

()()()()()()()()

 

I tiptoed, still barefoot across the gravel. Dean led the way to the old house littered with so many cars and tools around it that it looked more like an old repair shop than a home.

 

“Okay. Um. You let me talk alright?”

 

I sucked in my lower lip and gave him a curt nod. “K.”

 

Dean tapped a fist against the door and I held my breath while I waited for it to open.

 

My eyes widened as it finally swung open. Dean shifted, offering me one nervous glance over his shoulder before he smiled at the man standing in front of him.

 

“Surprise.” Dean held his hands out and I groaned internally. Did he have no tact?

 

The man blinked, seeming just as bewildered to see Dean as I had been. “I... I..” The man stammered, his eyes shifted to me only briefly before his hand swung out in a stabbing motion with a knife toward Dean.

 

“Dean!” I screamed in a moment of sheer panic.

 

Dean twisted, his reflexes much quicker than who'd just returned to life had any right to be. “Bobby. It's me!” He managed to grab Bobby's arm and yank it behind him.

 

“Like hell!” Bobby hollered back.

 

I screamed again as Bobby broke free and Dean scrambled to put some space between the two of them. Almost every instinct in my body told me to run. But there was another instinct, one just as strong, telling me to stay. That instinct belonged to an invisible rope, that lead from me to Dean. I took a clumsy step forward, kicking loose gravel in front of me, and catching Bobby's attention. He twisted to look at me as Dean lunged at him and managed to tear the knife out of his hand.

 

My body cried out at seeing Dean with the blade. I wanted to run—except I lifted a brow as I noticed how he held out the blade like it was the last thing he wanted to be holding onto. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! Your name is Robert Steven Singer. You became a hunter after your wife got possessed, and... you're about the closest thing I have to a father. Bobby. It's me.” Dean was pleading with the man in front of him.

 

“Then you're a shapeshifter!” Bobby growled.

 

Dean shook his head. “No Bobby.”

 

“A revenant then!”

 

“Bobby!” Dean glanced at me once before turning his attention back to the man and rolling up his sleeve, exposing his forearm. “Would I do this if I was either?”

 

I grimaced as I watched Dean make one smooth slicing motion across his arm with the tip of the silver knife. A thin line of blood quickly followed the blade.

Bobby's shoulders slumped and he took one step closer. “Dean?” His voice shook.

 

“That's what I been trying to tell you.” Dean smiled.

 

Bobby stepped close enough to wrap Dean in a hug, and a small piece of my heart healed at the sight.

 

“It's... it's good to see you boy.” Bobby managed to croak before finally pulling away and ending the hug. He shifted, his eyes landing on me. “And the girl?” He turned back to Dean one eyebrow raised in suspicion.

 

“Um, Julia. She's uh... she's like me.”

 

Bobby jerked his head back to look at me. “But what even happened? You two bust out together?”

 

“I don't know. I just woke up in a pine box.” Dean answered and I nodded in agreement.

 

“But that don't make a lick of sense.” Bobby answered before suddenly splashing Dean in the face with water. I stared, puzzled by the sudden act.

 

Dean sputtered, closing his eyes a moment before wiping the water away. “I'm not a demon either, Bobby.”

 

Bobby shrugged. “Sorry, can't be too sure.”

 

I frowned at the two, unsure whether I should stay where I was or go inside. It didn't take long before Dean nodded at me to follow. And against my will, my feet fell into steps behind him.

 

()()()()()()

 

I stared at the clothes waiting for me on the bathroom counter. I'd just spent more time than reasonable standing under hot water. My first shower in months, years, decades. And it was heaven. Now I was faced with dressing and going back downstairs to deal with reality. I didn't want to.

 

I held my breath as a tap at the door sounded. “You okay?” I could hear Dean's muffled voice waiting for me on the other side.

 

I cleared my throat. “Yeah. Fine.”

 

“Okay. Right. I... we were just checking.” There was a pause, but I could still hear him, I could still feel him, just on the other side. “I'll be downstairs.” He finally added before turning to leave. His footsteps shuffled away and I finally let go of the breath I'd been holding.

 

He'd be downstairs. I turned to face my reflection. I wasn't ready, but I had to be.

 

I buttoned up the flannel shirt, and pulled on sweatpants that were a few sizes too big, but who was I to complain?

 

I would be brave. I would be strong. I'd be okay.

 

Or maybe I'd never be.

 

I stared at my hollow eyes, and ashen skin. I was wrecked and ruined, so maybe this was me learning to be broken.

 

Dean's eyes scanned me from head to toe as I entered the living room. A small smile played across his lips, and I tried to ignore how sick it made me feel. How sick and oddly comforted all at once.

 

“So, first thing tomorrow we're heading to brother. I had to make a few calls but, we know where he's at now.” Dean paused to make sure I was following along. “He was actually just an hour from where we popped outta hell. Crazy right?” He raised his eyebrows at me.

 

I licked my lips before finally nodding my head. He obviously wanted me to agree. “Yeah. Crazy.” But I was lost on the word brother. He had a brother? I squinted at him, and he'd get to see his brother before I'd ever get to see my sister. A pang of jealousy hit my heart at the realization.

 

“So do you want to stay? Or come? Bobby said you could stay?”

 

Stay. No. Go. Shit. I shifted my gaze from Dean to Bobby, who had just come from the kitchen. “I... I could go?” It was a question. It was an answer.

 

Bobby offered me a smile as he came closer to rest his hand on my shoulder. “Atta girl.”

 

I didn't feel like it deserved an “atta girl.” I didn't feel like it deserved much of anything. You see, in the end, being alone seemed far worse than not being alone, even if it meant I was with Dean.

 

“Alright. Well, I'm going to go up and get a few hours of sleep then, if that's alright?”

 

Dean's eyes widened briefly. He looked scared to lose sight of me. Maybe he could feel that invisible rope tugging us together too. “Yeah—sure I'll uh, I'll take you up to the spare room.”

 

My heart hammered at the thought of Dean alone in a room with me. “Oh no. It's okay, it's just the one on the left, right?” I eyed Bobby and waited for him to nod. “Okay, well I'll see you two in the morning.”

 

“In the morning.” Dean agreed.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

“So. You got that mark on you too?”

 

I stared at the rear-view mirror, meeting Bobby's eyes with a heavy stare. “What?”

 

Bobby nodded over to Dean, who looked back at me at the same moment. “Dean's got this mark on his shoulder, he thinks some demon rode him out. You have a mark too?”

 

“Well.” I twisted my hands on my lap, suddenly feeling exposed, as if their eyes were searching my body for an answer. “Yeah. I guess. It looks like a hand.” I shrugged before tearing my eyes away to stare out the back window.

 

“Yeah. Is it on your shoulder?” Dean leaned back, searching my face.

 

“No.”

 

“Oh.”

 

I held my breath, allowing silence to fill the space around us for a just a moment too long. “It's uh. It's on my rib cage. Kinda right here.” I pointed with my right hand to the spot where the mark would be.

 

Dean furrowed his brows before turning back around. “Huh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Bobby and Dean talked for most of the ride. Each attempting in their own way to make me a part of the conversation.

 

But I didn't feel like talking. I didn't feel like telling them about my memories. Memories I wished could be as easily forgotten as Dean's had been.

 

Instead I leaned back, placed my knees on the seat in front of me, and stared blankly out the window until we finally pulled into the parking lot.

 

It was one shitty looking hotel. It had definitely seen better days.

 

“So.” Dean cleared his throat, calling my attention to him. “Do you want to go inside?”

 

I shifted my attention from him to the hotel behind him. I wanted to go; I didn't want to go. It was an unfair tug of war. “Sure.” I shrugged my shoulders.

 

Dean opened the door for me. As soon as I was standing, that same tugging sensation deep in my belly struck again; it pulled me to him. I knew in that moment moment that I'd go wherever he went, because there was a damn invisible chain between the two of us, telling my body what to do. I swallowed down the sick feeling I got from that realization.

 

I marched wordlessly behind Bobby and Dean. My eyes trained on the back of Dean's head. But why? Why was I being forced to follow the monster in front of me?

 

()()()()()()()()

 

“Where is it?” The girl stared at Dean, before turning her eyes to Bobby, then finally to me.

 

Dean shifted, glancing at Bobby before looking at the girl again. “The what?”

 

She frowned with a look that could only suggest that she thought he was a complete idiot. “The pizza... that apparently takes two guys and a girl to deliver?” She lifted a brow and ended with a look at me that sent a chill down my spine.

 

“Uh..” Dean fumbled with his words for a moment before shaking his head. “I think we have the wrong room. Sorry.”

 

I bit my lip as both Bobby and Dean turned to face me. We'd come so close to finding his brother, and maybe answers about who dragged us both from hell. I offered a weak smile before I shifted my attention to the door behind them. A man had suddenly appeared.

 

“Hey did...” He began, before his eyes bounced from me to Bobby, then finally rested on Dean.

 

Dean whipped back around, and the hairs on my arm stood straight up.

 

“Heya Sammy!” Dean took a step forward.

 

I flinched as Sam made a wild slashing motion with a knife that seemed to materialize out of thin air. Dean managed to somehow twist out of the way. And a small whimper escaped my lips as I pressed myself against the hallway wall, I wanted to make myself as small as possible, in fact I didn't want to be there at all.

 

I stared wide-eyed as Bobby jumped in to grab a hold of Sam. He slammed him hard against the door frame, and pressed his forearm firmly across his chest, pinning him in place. “Listen boy. It's him. It's really him!”

 

Sam blinked at the older man. “No.” He shook his head. “Bobby—really?” His eyes softened as he glanced past Bobby to Dean briefly.

 

Bobby nodded. “Yeah. I already been over this, done checked him for everything myself. It's him Sam. It's Dean.”

 

Sam's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed and Bobby finally loosened his grip enough for Sam to push away from the door. “Dean?”

 

Dean nodded as he spread his arms out to his sides and a smile tugged at his lips. “I know! I look fantastic, don't I?”

 

A small laugh tumbled from Sam's mouth as he took a step forward and wrapped his arm's around his brother.

 

My nerves were shot, but seeing the two reunited and holding onto one another did something to the wounds inside of me. I bit back a smile and I finally let my body relax.

 

“So... are you guys like, together?” The girl from earlier suddenly interrupted. I had forgotten she was there. I lifted my eyes to her puzzled face and I frowned.

 

Sam let his arms drop from around Dean. “Uh. No! This... this is my brother.”

 

The girl glanced between the two. “Uh, okay well look. I should probably go.”

 

Sam's eyebrows shot up and he offered a small nod. “Right. Yeah—that's probably a good idea.”

 

I was fidgeting on the bed. Dean and Bobby were sitting at the only table and Sam was handing out beers like they were candy.

 

“Here.” He smiled down at me as he offered me my own bottle.

 

“Thanks.” I mouthed the word, not bothering to smile back.

 

“So, what'd it cost you Sammy?”

 

I frowned at Dean's question. Was he asking about the girl?

 

Sam lifted an eyebrow at his brother. “The girl? I don't pay.”

 

“Ha! Not funny Sam. I'm serious. What did it cost to bust me out?”

 

“I didn't do this.”

 

“Like Hell you didn't!” Dean growled and I jumped at his tone. “Are you some demon's bitch now Sam? You make a deal, huh?”

 

Sam shifted. “No! Look. Dean... I tried, I tried everything. I tried busting open the devil's gate, I tried bargaining... they wouldn't make a deal. You were down there for months. Months! Rotting in Hell, and I couldn't do a thing to stop it. I tried. And I'm sorry it wasn't me. I'm sorry.” Sam's voice was on the verge of breaking. I had to look away.

 

Dean's shoulder's slumped at his brother's admission. “Look. I believe you Sam. You don't have to be sorry.” Dean's eyes found mine from across the room as he let out a sigh. “But Sammy, if you didn't bust me out... then who did?”

 

The alcohol was soothing the pit of nerves in my stomach, warming my soul. I leaned against the bed as I watched Dean pace the room.

 

“What were you doing here Sammy, if you weren't digging me out from my grave?”

 

Sam shifted as he pulled another long drink from his bottle. “Well. Once I realized I couldn't save you, I started hunting down Lilith. You know, trying to get some payback.”

 

Bobby scoffed from the other side of the room, “What, hunting her all on your own? Who do you think you are? Your father?”

 

Sam winced at the accusation before clearing his throat and continuing. “Well, anyway. I was in Tennessee following these three demons when all of sudden they took a hard left and booked it out of town straight up to here.”

 

Dean stopped his pacing long enough to narrow his eyes at Sam. “When?”

 

“Yesterday morning.”

 

Dean nodded, his gaze falling on me again. “When we busted out.”

 

Sam twisted to look at me for what seemed like the first time. His eyes scanned my face. Lingering long enough to make me want to twitch uncomfortably before he turned his attention back to Dean.

 

“You think the demons are here because of you two?” Bobby interrupted.

 

The thought made me feel sick. I could feel the blood draining from my face. God, no. Talking about the demons was enough to make me want to run, but the idea of them coming for me... I shuddered. And Dean somehow knew, he had to, because just when I was feeling like I was going to jump out of my own skin Dean crossed the room to come and sit on the bed beside me.

 

“Well, no. I don't know.” Dean shrugged as he lifted a hand and gently began to rub small circles against my back. I stiffened at his touch. “But I mean, it's gotta be connected somehow right?” He lifted his eyebrows, questioning Bobby and Sam.

 

Bobby frowned. “How are you feelin' anyway?”

 

Dean turned to look at me a moment before answering. “I don't know. I guess I'm kinda hungry.”

 

“No!” Bobby shook his head annoyed. “I mean do you feel like yourself? Anything strange, or different?”

 

“I feel like me.” Dean rolled his eyes, before pulling his hand away from my back to rub at his left temple instead. “How many times I gotta tell you Bobby.”

 

Bobby sighed before he fixed his eyes on me. “And you?”

 

My cheeks flushed as everyone in the room turned to face me. “I feel...I feel normal.” I swallowed down the lie. I felt like the worst to come was still ahead of us; I felt like whatever pulled us out of Hell was just biding its time before it dragged us back down.

 

Bobby sighed again. “Well. Ain't no demon letting you two go outta the goodness of their heart. They've gotta have something bad they're cooking up.”

 

That was true. My eyes flicked over to Dean. No monster like that would ever let you go. I shifted, needing to put a little bit of space between me and the demon of my dreams. How strange to be here, feeling compelled to sit so close to the one that had spent so much of his time tormenting me. What was wrong with me? Dean seemed to notice the sudden change, maybe he felt it, or maybe he did know me inside and out like he always claimed, because he pulled away too, as if he could sense my need for him to not be so close.

 

“Look, we don't know,” Sam said. “We don't know what they're doing. Let's not jump to conclusions. We need help. We need answers.” We all nodded, a silent agreement.

 

“Well. I know a psychic.” Bobby offered.

 

“Hell yeah!” Dean stood abruptly, shifting the weight of the bed, almost knocking me over in the process. He eyed me carefully, before holding his hand out to help right me.

 

“Alright. I'll make a few calls.”

 

Bobby nodded at Dean as he left the room while pulling out his phone.

 

With Bobby gone, I suddenly felt less safe. I hadn't realized how much he'd comforted me just with his presence. My eyes flicked between the two brothers as an uneasy weight settled over me.

 

“What was it like?” Sam's voice was just a whisper and his eyes were cast down, like he was embarrassed to ask.

 

Dean straightened. He twisted to look at me before turning back to Sam. “What, Hell?”

 

Sam winced at the word before turning to offer me an apologetic glance. “Yeah. You remember?”

 

Dean shrugged. “No man... I must have blacked it all out.” The words tumbled out of his mouth like they had been rehearsed many times before. I bit my lip. I wondered how true it was? Did he really not remember?

 

Sam nodded like it was the best thing that he could have heard his brother say. And it was. Because remembering was the thing that would kill me, I was sure of it.

 

“And you? You remember?” Sam lifted a brow at me.

 

I searched his face long and hard before nodding once. “Yeah. I remember.”

 

Sam's eyes widened at my answer. “Oh.”

 

I shrugged, before looking at Dean. He was staring at me with eyes that seemed to carry all the pain I held inside my heart. I wished I could forget. I wished I could forgive.

 

()()()()()()

_Sometimes we run._

_We run from the monster that chases us._

_And sometimes we find the monster is inside us._

()()()()()()()()

 

 

_I had a dream once. I dreamed that I was standing in a graveyard, and on every tombstone around me was the name of every person that I had ever loved. And right there in the very middle of it all, was a stone carved intricately with big swooping letters that made up my name; Julia Rae Morgan._

 

_I had awoken startled and I assumed at that time, I had dreamed that dream because I knew more than most that death would find me. But thinking back to that dream now, I've come to the conclusion it had not been a dream showing me my death, but a dream instead showing me how I would one day live._

 

()()()()()()()()

 

“Does she really need to come?”

  
  


Dean scoffed at his brother's question, before lifting his eyes up to me. “Well, yeah. I mean she's a part of this.”

  
  


Sam studied me before finally nodding in agreement. I'd never felt so included yet so left out of a conversation before. What if I didn't want to go? What if I wanted to run, what if I wanted to ignore that damn cord that connected me to Dean?

  
  


I pursed my lips. I could. I could run.

  
  


Sam busied himself with gathering his things, and I paid attention to how my body seemed to be responding to Dean's. If he was in front of me and he took two steps to the right, I took two to the left. It was a silent dance, something out of my control. An instinctual reaction that he created in me.

  
  


Maybe he noticed it too.

  
  


I waited for Sam to head out to the car with his bag before clearing my throat and calling attention to myself. Though I was pretty sure Dean's attention had already been on me.

  
  


“Yeah?” He took a step closer, and I forced myself to take one small step backward. I would fight whatever this was. I'd find a way to break the tether that seemed to be holding us together.

  
  


They were all ready to go. Except—I'd made up my mind. I wasn't. “I don't want to go.” I ran my teeth over my lower lip, nervous for his response.

  
  


He blinked at me before smoothing his hand down his face. “What?”

  
  


I drew in a deep breath and steadied myself. “Okay, you have to listen to me. You seem to think you want to chase down whatever this is. You want answers, right?”

  
  


Dean nodded. “Yeah, because— ”

  
  


I held my hand up, interrupting him. “But I don't want those same answers.” I studied his face as I took a small step forward. “I don't agree with chasing down the devil. Dean. I'm out.... we're out.” I pointed from myself to him to emphasize my point. “And that's good enough for me. I don't want to poke the hornet's nest, ya know?” And I also didn't want to spend the rest of my life going wherever a rope tied to him forced me to. No. I would take a stand.

  
  


I held my breath as I watched Dean processing my words. He shifted his stare from my face to the floor. And I knew the moment he was going to let me go. I felt it in my chest. A small ache that pierced my heart.

  
  


“I mean. Yeah. I just, I gotta know what's going on. It doesn't feel right. How we, how this happened.”

  
  


I nodded and took another step forward, this last step bringing me close enough that I could reach out and touch his skin if I wanted to. “Dean. I'm not saying you can't chase this down. I'm just saying... I won't.”

  
  


His eyes softened as he stared down at me. Was this goodbye? Dean nodded. “Alright. You just, if you ever need anything? You know?” He winced as he said the words as if they were painful.

  
  


“Dean?” Sam suddenly popped his head in, his eyes bouncing from his brother to me. “You guys coming?”

  
  


I blew out a breath of air and smiled. “No. I'm not coming.”

  
  


Dean shifted beside me, his eyes focusing on his brother. “Right. We're almost done here.”

  
  


Sam lifted both brows at us before nodding and turning to leave.

  
  


“Bye Dean.” I whispered the words.

  
  


He laughed at that, except it sounded bitter. “Bye, Jules.”

  
  


I flinched at his use of my nickname before managing to force my lips into a smile. As soon as he was gone, I let it fall away.

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

I crumpled the money in my hand. Dean had insisted he wouldn't leave unless I accepted it. It wasn't much, but it was all he had. All of it. Slowly with my back pressed against the door I let myself sink to the floor.

 

I waited for tears to come, waited for the floodgates to pour. Hell wasn't the place I left behind. Hell was with me, the one thing always on my mind. Except the tears never came, the sobs begging to break through, never escaped. Maybe I was broken, maybe I'd spent too many lifetimes crying out sorrow for any more of it to come?   
  
My eyes jerked to the TV as it sounded to life. The screen filled with static and the lights flickered in the room. No. Not again.

 

Panic clawed its way through my chest and up my throat as I rushed to stand. Fuck. I had no phone. I'd stupidly refused to allow Dean to give me one. And now the Devil had come and I had no way of calling for help.

 

I squeezed my eyes shut as the air around me screamed. It was too loud, too much. My ears cried out in protest.

 

I needed to get out! But I couldn't get my body to move. Nothing was working. My fingers wouldn't function, I couldn't get them to wrap around the door knob. And I couldn't open the door if I couldn't get my fingers to work. The sound was so intense, so loud that it was consuming me, pulsing through me. It was shutting me down, one piece at a time. My legs wobbled and buckled beneath me, the world turned onto its side and I crashed down to the floor.   
  
I strained to focus, but my vision had blurred, and I had a vague sense that my hearing had gone out, because the ringing that had been in my ears had now turned to a low hum. It didn't make sense, not at first. Not until I rubbed my fingers against the place on my head that was throbbing. Blood, I cringed at the crimson color on my fingertips... I'd hit my head. I tried to push myself back up. I needed to push myself up! Except—I was disappearing into the dark and despite my best effort to keep my eyes open, they closed.

 

“Julia.”

 

I winced. My head ached with every jostle of my body. I was being moved, carried, held. Slowly I cracked my eyelids open and stared up at my assailant. “Dean?”

 

Relief washed over his face as he looked down at me. “Hey.” He soothed. “You scared the hell out of me.”

 

“Interesting choice of words, Dean.” I shifted in his arms. “Hey, set me down. I'm okay.”

 

He frowned briefly before finally helping me to a standing position. “Just take it easy.”

 

I ignored his extended hand that he offered out to me, and stepped around him, glancing back at the hotel. “What happened?”

 

“I don't know. We didn't get that far, when the radio in my car went all haywire, then the headlights, and then Baby... my Baby stalled. She don't do that.”

 

I squinted at him, trying to make sense of his story. “Your baby?”

 

Dean eyed me cautiously, before shrugging his shoulders and nodding his head to the black car parked behind me. “Baby. 1967 Chevy Impala.” The smile on his face told me that this vehicle was most likely the love of his life. Joey had been that way too. He'd loved that stupid old red car of his. I blinked away the sudden memory and refocused my attention on Dean.

 

“Okay? And then what happened?” I paused to glance around. “And where's Sam? Bobby?”

 

Dean ran a hand down his face and shifted his weight from one foot to another. “Jules. You gotta come with us. Okay? I told 'em, and they agree! You gotta come with us. You're not safe alone. Whatever this is it's not letting you go, or me go—and we are just better off sticking together, at least until we figure it out. Huh?”

 

I frowned. “That doesn't explain anything Dean!” I pursed my lips. “And don't call me that again.”

 

“Oh.” His eyes widened briefly. “Sorry.” I chewed my lower lip as he seemed to contemplate his next words. Finally after I thought I'd have to ask him again, he continued. “As soon as Baby had problems, I knew. I knew you would be having trouble too. I turned around. And I told Sam and Bobby that I didn't care what you wanted, you were coming. So I sent them to go get a few things for you, and I headed straight here. When I pulled in, my heart dropped Julia. I mean. The windows were smashed, the room looked destroyed, and when I finally got inside, you were all laid out on the floor, and I thought.” He stopped to shake his head before continuing. “I thought you were dead.”

 

“Oh.” I frowned at the idea that Dean could care at all. I died by his hands more times than I could count, but that was Hell... Hell was different. “Dean?”

 

His eyes found my brown ones. “Yeah?”   
  
I took a step backward and threw open the door to his car. “If we find this thing that is hunting us, you think you can stop it?” I turned the rear-view mirror to face me, wincing as I eyed the newly formed bump on the side of my head, there was caked on blood stuck to my hair.

 

Dean stared from my face to my hand as I tried to pry some of the matted blood away. “Yeah, Julia. I think we can stop it.”

 

I stopped tugging at the blood long enough to lock eyes with Dean. He meant it. I could feel it deep down in my soul. He wouldn't stop until this thing was gone. At that realization the weight on my chest lifted. “Good.” I nodded before slamming the door shut. “Then let's go.” I smiled and as I did headlights from another vehicle pulling in flashed against the building. Sam and Bobby were back.

 

()()()()()()

 

 _I was five years old when I learned that I would be a big sister. And I was going to be the best damn big sister the world had ever seen._  
  
I would share everything with her. My favorite things, my toys, my books, my mom and my dad. I'd love her, I'd protect her... I'd do anything for her.

 

_I knew this even then. And when she was finally born, I was my mother's greatest helper, well at least I thought I was. If Abigail needed a new diaper, I volunteered. If she was hungry, I'd run for a bottle! I'd sing her lullabies and I'd rock her on my lap. I loved her just as much as I thought I would._

 

_I think I loved her too much._

 

_I traded my life for hers after all. But, I think you must know what that's like, hmm?_

 

()()()()()()

 

“Julia!”

 

“What?” I half screamed as I came to an abrupt sitting position. Dean and Sam both eyed me warily from the front seats.

 

Dean shook his head as he turned his attention back to the road, which surprisingly now was daylight out. When we had left it had been the middle of the night. How long had I been asleep?

 

Sam shifted in his seat, propping himself sideways, getting a better look at me. His eyes were soft with compassion, and whatever it was that he was about to tell me, I didn't think I wanted to hear.

 

“What?” I repeated again, softer this time.

 

“You were screaming.” Sam said quietly.

 

“Oh.” I shifted under his stare.

 

“Are you... were you dreaming?” Sam questioned.

 

I lifted my brows, turning my face from Sam to stare out the window. “I guess. I don't know.”

 

That wasn't true. I knew very well that I had been dreaming. It didn't feel like a dream though. It felt real. It felt like Hell was licking at my heels as I struggled to get to my sister. Screaming for her to run. Because in this dream, Hell wasn't only coming for me, but for her too.

 

“Did— did you want to talk about it?”

 

I glanced back at Sam, he seemed terrified at the idea that I could in fact want to talk about it. “No. I don't know Sam, it was just a dream. I mean, did I say anything?”

 

“Oh. No. You just... screamed.” Sam shook his head.

 

“Well, dreams happen Sam. I'm fine.” I smiled before I lifted my eyes to the rear-view mirror to find Dean's gaze already trained on me. “I'm fine.” I repeated and jutted my chin out stubbornly to make my point.

 

Dean shrugged as if he was letting go, then flipped the radio on, turning it up as “Back in Black.” by AC/DC came on. I smirked at his choice of music, his taste wasn't the worst at least.

 

I waited until almost the end of the song before I leaned up in between the two boys. “So. How much longer anyway?”

 

Dean shifted, glancing at me over his shoulder. “Almost there.”

 

“Hmm.” I nodded. “Where's Bobby?”

 

“He's just ahead of us.” Sam answered this time.

 

“Okay.” I slumped back into my seat and propped my knees up against the back of Sam's seat, scooting down as low as I could in the process. The remainder of the ride was filled with silence and loud music, and that suited me just fine.

 

()()()()()

 

 

My stomach felt sick. I had a terrible feeling that everything that could go wrong... would.

 

I chewed my bottom lip lightly as all four of us came to stand in front of Pamela's door. Bobby was the first to move. He tapped lightly until the door swung open. We all took a step back as the small bubbly brunette somehow managed to pick Bobby up off of the ground in a giant bear hug.

 

“Bobby! Ain't you a sight for sore eyes!” Her voice was surprisingly deeper, raspier than I had expected.

 

She smiled brightly after setting Bobby back down, and took a step backward. Her eyes swooped over Sam, to Dean, and finally to me. “The boys and the young girl you told me about... huh?”

 

Bobby nodded, turning in place to look at us all. “Yep. Sam, Dean, Julia this is Pamela.”

 

I offered a small wave of my hand before Dean leaned closer into Pamela “Hey.” He crooned, a big smile on his face. A smile I was sure most girls would eat up. I rolled my eyes.

 

I shifted catching Sam's attention in the process, we passed a look between one another that let me know we shared the same sentiments. Flirting Dean was awkward Dean. Though maybe Pamela enjoyed it, because she smirked and her hands lingered just a little too long on Dean's arms.

 

“So. Dean Winchester out of the fire and into the frying pan? That makes you a rare individual?” She smiled warmly.

 

Dean locked eyes with me briefly before shrugging his shoulders and answering. “If you say so.”

 

Pamela tipped her head back to laugh. “Okay well come on in guys.” She directed her hands toward the open door.

 

“So, did you hear anything?” Bobby asked as soon as we made it inside. Which was good. Silence was not my friend right now. In fact my senses were on fire. Something bad was going to happen. I could feel it.

 

“Well, I Ouija'd my way through a dozen spirits. No one seems to know who broke your boy—” She paused to smile at me. “or your girl out, or why”

 

Bobby nodded. “So what's next?”

 

Pamela shrugged making her way closer to the table that was situated in the middle of the room. “Seance I think.”

 

Seance? My heart thumped loudly against my ribs. “Won't that call too much attention to us? I mean... messing with that kind of stuff?” My voice came out weak, and I silently scolded myself for sounding so scared.

 

Pamela's smile that seemed to be permanently attached to her face since she had laid eyes on Dean widened. “Oh sweetie, I promise it will be fine.”

 

“You're not summoning that thing here though, are you?” Bobby cut in and we both shared a look. Apparently he agreed with me— this was NOT a good idea.

 

“Oh no... just a sneak peek. Like a crystal ball, just without the crystal.”

 

“Alright. I'm game.” Dean interjected, offering a small smile of sympathy toward me.

 

I tried not to pace while Pamela rearranged the table, but it was nearly impossible to calm the noise inside my mind that was screaming out how wrong this was. It was just easier to pace.

 

I repressed a sigh when Dean shamelessly flirted again, and Pamela flirted back, something about a tattoo and “his loss your gain.” We were chasing down the Devil and they both thought it was perfectly appropriate to flirt at a time like this! I wanted to shake some sense into them.  
  
When it came time to gather into a circle around the table I almost screamed out my protest, but I didn't. I managed to silence my fears instead just long enough to take my spot next to Sam.

 

“Alright I need to touch something our mystery monster touched.” Pamela smiled innocently as she said it, but Dean nearly jumped out of his seat in response, knocking his knees into the table as he did.

 

“Well he didn't touch me there!”

 

My eyes widened as I realized where exactly her hand had gone. I lifted a brow, really?

 

Pamela smiled again. “My mistake.”

 

Dean shifted in his seat before finally taking his hand and rolling up his sleeve, exposing the red raised mark on his shoulder. It looked just like mine. I had to force myself to look away.

 

“Okay.” Pamela nodded approvingly before placing her own hand over the mark on Dean. “I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle. I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle.”

 

I slammed my eyes shut and squeezed Sam's hand in my own as Pamela began her chanting. My heart hit hard against my chest, and the hairs on my skin stood on end. This was wrong. Wrong.

 

“I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle. I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle.”

 

I jumped when the T.V. behind us sounded to life. And I nearly broke Sam's hand when I started to hear the old familiar high pitched sound piercing the air around us, though no one else seemed to notice it.

 

“No. Sorry Castiel. I don't scary easy.” Pamela stopped her chanting to suddenly argue with the invisible thing we were summoning and with the mention of Castiel my heart stopped too.

 

Castiel? I flicked my eyes open and searched the room.

 

“Castiel?” Dean asked, he had opened his eyes as well and was staring at me from across the table.

 

Pamela leaned in closer to Dean to answer. “It's his name. He's whispering to me. Telling me to turn back.”

 

I shook my head and loosened my death grip on Sam's hand. “Then turn back!” I half screamed.

 

Pamela shook her head, not bothering to look at me. “I conjure and command you, show me your face! I conjure and command you, show me your face.”

 

“Please.” I begged as the table began to rattle, and the pictures on the wall shook.

 

“Maybe we should stop.” Bobby shifted uncomfortably.

 

Yes we should stop!

 

“No. I almost got him.” Pamela shifted, raising her voice so it could be heard over the roar of the room. “I command you show me your face! Show me your face now!”

 

The lights flickered and the room flashed, it was so bright that I almost had to close my eyes. The room was spinning, I could hear Pamela crying out, and I could feel Sam standing up from the table, but I could do nothing. I was stuck frozen, staring at Pamela's face. Where her eyes had once been there were now only black burnt holes. Her eyes. Her eyes were gone...


	5. Chapter 5

“Julia?”

 

I blinked until my vision became focused. Dean was crouched down in front of me. “Is she okay?” I asked the question despite knowing the answer. I'd seen what had happened. I'd been there. I knew that you didn't just lose your eyes one minute and brush it off like you were fine the next.

 

Dean frowned at me. “Sam's calling for help. She's... she's not okay.”

 

I nodded. I'd spent the last few minutes staring at the ground in front of me while chaos had erupted. The boys had sprung to action almost instantly. It was what they were built to do. Bobby had pulled Pamela into his arms while Sam dialed for help, and Dean waited only a moment before helping Bobby carry Pamela to the couch. And I had done nothing. I'd remained seated, frozen, unable to move.

 

“Are you okay?” Dean's gravely voice drew me out of my thoughts.

 

“Yeah. I think so.”

 

Dean nodded before standing back up and shoving his hands into his pockets. “We're gonna wait for the ambulance, but really there's not much we can do.”

 

I sucked in my bottom lip and shifted my gaze up to Dean. “Yeah.”

 

He sighed, his eyes taking in my appearance, apparently, I looked just as bad as I felt. “C'mon let's grab Sammy and go.”

 

I frowned. “But Pamela...”

 

Dean shook his head. “Bobby's here—and like I said, there's not much we can do, so let's get you out of here.”

 

“Okay.”

 

()()()()()()()()

 

_When I was twenty I met Joey._

 

_He'd parked himself in my seat at my favorite corner booth at my favorite diner._

 

_And he'd had the nerve to laugh when I demanded that he give it back._

 

_And then he asked me out._

 

_And for some reason, I had said yes._

 

_I said yes, despite knowing that my life was destined to end._

 

_So you see, that's why I almost cried when we first walked into that diner and took that corner booth._

 

_Not because of the amount of stress we were under, but because for a second when you sat there staring up at me... you looked just like him._

 

()()()()()()()

 

“You going to sit down?”

 

“Yeah.” I shook my head to rid myself of memories and blinked away the tears that pooled in my eyes. “Sorry,” I mumbled as I scooted into the booth beside Dean.

 

He twisted in his seat to study my face if he could tell that I had been on the verge of crying, he didn't say. Instead, he cleared his throat and smiled. “You like pie?”

 

“Pie?” I arched an eyebrow.

 

“Yeah... pie?”

 

“Who doesn't like pie?”

 

Dean shot me another smile. “Damn straight!” So it was settled, we would have pie.

 

I smiled back and felt a small piece of my grief lift itself from my chest. The smile fell quickly from my face though, as Sam came to sit down across from us.

 

Dean nodded at him. “So what'd Bobby say?”

 

“Pam's stable. And out of ICU.”

 

Dean sighed as he leaned back against the booth. “And blind because of us.”

 

I winced at the accusation.

 

“And we have no clue what we're dealing with,” Sam added.

 

“Well.” Dean shifted, suddenly leaning forward again to prop his elbows up on the table. “That's not entirely true... we got a name; Castiel.” I jerked as Dean said it. “And with the right mumbo jumbo, we could summon him, bring him right to us.” he continued.

 

NO! My body hummed a protest at the idea of summoning him—it, Castiel.

 

Sam shook his head. “You're crazy. Absolutely not.”

 

Dean scoffed as if Sam were the one being unreasonable. “We'll work him over—I mean after what he did.”

 

Sam and I shared a glance across the table before Sam answered. “You want to summon the thing? The thing that Pamela barely took a peek at? That thing burned her eyes out! And you want to have a face to face?”

 

Dean shrugged. “You got a better idea?”

 

I sent a silent request out into the universe that he did. But as I watched Sam and Dean it became clear to me that he didn't... Sam had no idea what to do and Dean—I eyed him, he was determined to find answers one way or another. So, even if Sam did have an idea it wouldn't matter to Dean, he was too stubborn for his own good. That was just great. I chewed my bottom lip and shifted back into the booth.

 

We were going to summon Castiel. I could feel it in my bones.

 

 

()()()()()()()

 

The sound of a chair scraping across floor pulled me out of my thoughts. A young waitress with short hair and a wide smile had dragged a chair over to our booth and sat herself down.

 

Dean lifted an eyebrow at the young girl. “You angling for a tip?”

 

“I'm sorry. Thought you were looking for us?” She answered sweetly, her eyes changed from a pale blue to an unnatural black.

 

My heart seized inside my chest. I was trapped in a booth with a demon seated right beside me. I wanted to run, to scream... maybe vomit.

 

Dean shifted, placing his hand on top of mine, offering me one small squeeze, a lifeline to let me know I was not alone. “What the hell do you want?” His voice had dropped to a low growl, which put me even more on edge.

 

The demon smiled and shrugged. “Dean... Dean, to Hell and back—aren't you a lucky duck?” Her eyes flicked from Dean's face to mine and I tried not to look as scared as I felt.

 

Dean chuckled. The sound of it seemed wrong. I glanced over at him, wasn't he terrified too? “Yeah, that's me,” Dean answered.

 

Rage flashed across the face of the waitress. “So you get to just walk out the pit, huh? What makes you so special? Tell me!”

 

“I like to think it's my perky nipples,” Dean answered cheerfully before continuing. “I don't know. It wasn't my doing. I don't know who pulled me out.”

 

The demon leaned in closer, and I tensed. “Right.. you don't know.”

 

“I don't.” Dean shrugged, his hand tightening on mine just a little.

 

“Lying is a sin ya know.”

 

“I'm not lying. But I would like to know, so if you got some information, why don't you enlighten me, Flo—”

 

“Watch your tone boy, or I'll drag you back to hell myself!”

 

I slammed my eyes shut as Sam made grabbed for his weapon that was tucked under his shirt.

 

Nothing happened. Slowly I opened my eyes back up.

 

Dean was staring daggers at the demon while holding his hand up, stopping Sam from doing whatever it was that he was about to do. “You're not going to do a thing to me.”

 

The demon shifted her eyes from Sam to Dean. “No?”

 

Dean shook his head, a slow smile spreading across his lips. “No, because if you were gonna you would have done it already. Fact is—you don't know who cut me loose, and that scares you. And you're looking for answers. Well, maybe it was some turbo-charged spirit. Or, uh, Godzilla. Or some big bad boss demon. I'm guessing at your pay grade they don't tell you squat. Because whoever it was, they want me out. And they're a lot stronger than you. So go ahead. Send me back. But don't come crawling to me when they show up on your front doorstep with some vaseline and a fire hose.”

 

“I'm gonna rip your lungs out.” The demon growled.

 

I winced as Dean leaned across me, reaching his hand out and slapping the waitress hard across the face. She did nothing. Dean nodded and reached his hand out again slapping her one more time. Again nothing.

 

My heart hammered.

 

“That's what I thought.” Dean's voice was hard and cold, something I was all too familiar with. He shoved the table out and stood.

 

I scurried to join him, jumping up and knocking into him in the process. He held his hands out to steady me, before guiding my body out from the booth and around the demon bitch at the table. Sam quickly followed.

 

It took everything in me to not run, because, with each step that we took, I became more and more aware of the fact that it was not just a single demon, but several here in this diner. I squeezed my hands into fists at my sides and quickened my steps as we drew nearer to the door. I could feel their black eyes trained on the back of my head like I had a target painted on it.

 

We barely had stepped outside before Dean stopped in his tracks, folded over and held his hands to his knees. “Holy hell that was close!”

 

Sam stopped beside his brother. “We're not just gonna leave them in there are we?”

 

Dean straightened. “Well yeah. Sammy, there's three of them in there. I counted.”

 

I closed my eyes. Three! There had been three demons with their beady eyes trained on me!

 

“Yeah, but Dean I've been killing a lot more demons than that lately.”

 

My eyes flew open at Sam's confession. You could kill a demon? How? And why the hell was Sam killing demons on his own? He was crazy, didn't he know what demons could do?

 

Dean frowned, his eyes flicking from my face to his brother's. “Not anymore. The saner brother is back in town.”

 

I nodded at Dean, sending him a silent thank you with my eyes. Thank you for not being as crazy as your brother.

 

Sam shook his head. “Dean, they're dangerous. We've got to take them out.”

 

I bit my lip as I watched the confliction cross Dean's face. “No. Sammy, they're scared. They're scared of whatever bad ass mofo had the juice to pull me and Julia out of the pit. One job at a time okay?”

 

The tension flew away from my body once I realized that Sam was going to let it go. It was okay. We were okay.

 

I eyed Dean while we walked back to the impala, he was watching his brother warily. I wondered, had Dean been willing to walk back into that diner, would I have been compelled to follow? I swallowed as I placed a hand against my stomach, I could feel the cord there, twisting and tugging. No, I shook my head. I would have fought it tooth and nail because I would not go where there were demons... not ever again.

 

()()()()()

 

 

“Alright. Everybody good with the one room? Huh?” Dean asked, a worried look on his face.

 

“Yeah?” Sam shrugged and eventually I nodded as well.

 

“Good!” Dean clapped his hands together before turning to open the trunk.

 

He grabbed up his bag, tossed Sam his and held mine out for me to take. “Thanks,” I whispered as our fingers brushed against each other. Dean nodded before slamming the trunk shut and heading to the room.

 

It was small. Two beds squeezed into a space that shouldn't have worked. One lousy TV and an old tiny mini refrigerator which I was certain didn't work.

 

I frowned at the dirtied stained floors. “So... how many people do you think have been murdered here?”

 

Dean tossed his bag onto one of the beds before plopping down beside it and looking at me. He shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine.” He flopped back onto the bed, spreading himself out, claiming it for his own.

 

I pursed my lips. “And that doesn't bother you?”

 

Sam shuffled past me, laying his own bag onto the one desk in the room. “You get used to it. This one isn't actually that bad.”

 

My eyes widened as I stared from Sam to Dean. “You're kidding right?”

 

Dean shifted up, propping himself onto one elbow to look at me. “Hey... Don't worry, no ones coming in here while Sam and I are here.”

 

I frowned. “I'm not worried. I flicked my eyes around the room. “I'm grossed out.”

 

Dean shrugged and Sam laughed. Well at least someone found my disgust at the current situation amusing.

 

I sighed as I made way from the bathroom. I was in my shorts and a giant band shirt, presumably one of Dean's. And... my eyes scanned the two beds, both Sam and Dean had already taken both beds! Were they seriously going to make me sleep on the blood stained floor?

 

“Ahem!” I cleared my throat. Neither moved or showed the slightest sign of hearing me. I pursed my lips. “AHEM!” Nothing.

 

Ugh. I glared at their sleeping bodies. Dean was sprawled out, taking up his entire bed—but Sam, I frowned, he was so big that his feet and hands dangled over the edges of his bed, I almost felt bad for him. And maybe I would have, had I not been left without a place to sleep! I grumbled as I shifted my attention to the door. The impala was a better option. I nodded to myself as I turned to leave, but froze when I heard the creak of a mattress.

 

“Hey.” Dean's voice was deep with sleep.

 

I turned slowly back to face him, the sight of his hair sticking out in every which way made me smile. “Hey.”

 

“Where ya going?”

 

I nodded toward the door. “Making my great escape.”

 

“What!” Dean shifted, pulling himself into an abrupt sitting position.

 

“Relax!” I half laughed. “I'm kidding... I was just going to go crash in the back seat of your Baby.” I almost rolled my eyes at the use of his pet name for his car.

 

Dean frowned. “Why?”

 

I raised my eyebrows and glanced from him to his brother. “Well, you see you, these two giants took up the only beds, so...” I shrugged my shoulders.

 

Dean shook his head. “No, come on, there's room.”

 

“Are you kidding?”

 

Dean propped the extra pillow he'd been using up on the left side of the bed as he scooted as far to the right as he could “Do I look like I'm kidding?”

 

“Well. No.”

 

“Well, come on then. I won't bite.”

 

I narrowed my eyes at his words as countless hours spent in chains flashed through my mind. Outwardly I managed to just barely restrain from wincing. “I don't think so.”

 

“Alright.” Dean nodded. “I'll have the floor, you take the bed, all yours okay?”

 

I blinked at him. My body sagging at the blessed idea of sleep. Sleep in an actual bed. “You sure?

 

Dean smiled. “Yeah. I'm sure.”

 

“And you won't be bothered on the floor?”

 

Dean stretched as he stood from the bed, taking a pillow and the top comforter with him as he went. “Scouts honor. I'll be fine.”

 

I smiled at his outstretched three fingers. “Pretty sure it doesn't count Dean if you were never a scout.”

 

“Hmm.” Dean hummed as he folded himself onto the floor, fluffing the pillow with more force than necessary. “You don't know that I wasn't.”

 

I rolled my eyes as I pulled the sheets back and crawled into the very welcoming bed. “Good Night Dean.”

 

“Night Julia.”


	6. Chapter 6

 

_I wish I had told you sooner_

_That the monster in you was no greater than the monster in me._

 

()()()()()()

 

_Castiel_

 

My eyes flew open as the screaming in my mind became unbearable. “ _Dean!_ ” My hands fumbled clumsily at the sheets.

 

“I'm here.” Dean sat up, his eyes wide. “Are you okay?” His head peeked up over the edge of the bed to stare at me.

 

I frowned into the night. It was dark... quiet. “Yeah.” I glanced around the room. “Where's Sam?” His bed was empty.

 

“What?” Dean shifted, glancing past me to get a look at the spot where his brother should have been. “Sam?” He called out.

 

We both listened to the silence in return. “Dean?” I turned to look at him. He was already standing, walking further into the room, searching for his brother.

 

I jumped as the T.V. suddenly flashed bright with static. Shit.

 

“The hell?” Dean mumbled, his eyes squinting at the screen.

 

I covered my ears as a garbled voice seemed to speak directly into them.

 

 _Can... hear_.. _.?_

 

I screamed. It felt like an icepick to my skull.

 

“Julia?” Dean walked back to the bed, his eyes searching my face.

 

I cried out. “Do you hear that?” It was too loud. I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my hands harder against my ears. It was no use. It was coming from inside, not out..

 

_Julia... hear?_

 

“Hear what?”

 

I felt a small pop, from just behind my eyes. “Dean?” I sobbed as his arms wrapped around me.

 

“Julia? I'm here..”

 

Another stab at my temple. “I think--”

 

“Oh shit! Julia, you're bleeding.”

 

“GOD!” Another attack to my skull, this time accompanied by a loud rumble that filled the room.

 

Dean flinched; he finally heard it too, “The hell was that?”

 

The noise was too loud, too much; it shook the entire room. The T.V. flashed and screamed its own protest before cracking and breaking. The windows were next.

 

“Fuck!” Dean yelled as he tried to cover my body with his own, to protect me from the shards of glass flying through the air. “Julia! We have to go.” He tugged me up from the bed.

 

It was too much. I couldn't. I barely managed to take a single step before my body collapsed. Dean dropped to the floor beside me. “Julia?”

 

The door burst open and relief rushed through me. Bobby. My heart galloped at the realization: we were saved.

 

“Dean!” He hollered as he entered the room, pausing only a moment before racing to me first. He bent and scooped me up, carrying me to the door and setting me down, before turning back to go get Dean.

 

My lungs burned as I tried to slow my breathing. And my ears throbbed with a single word. _Castiel._

 

()()()()()()

 

 

Bobby was shaking his head as he pulled the car out of the parking lot, flooring it--going where? I wasn't sure.

 

“How you doin? Huh, the both of you?”

 

I glanced up from the back seat to find Bobby staring at me through the rearview mirror.

 

“Aside from the bells ringing in my head? Just peachy.” Dean answered.

 

I shrugged my shoulders and ran a hand through my now tangled hair. “I'm okay.”

 

 

Dean shifted in his seat, glancing back at me. “Here.” He held out a napkin and motioned for me to clean myself up.

 

“Thanks.”

 

Dean twisted back around as he pulled his phone out.

 

Bobby and I sat in silence while we waited for Dean to make the call. It only rang once before Sam answered.

 

“Where are you?” Dean tried to sound nonchalant, but I could see a muscle in his neck flex. He was pissed. “In my car?” Dean nodded at Sam's response. “Right, well Bobby's back. We're all gonna grab a beer.” Another pause. “Yeah, Julia too.” I bit my lip at the mention of my name. “Okay. Done. Catch you later.”

 

Bobby and I shared a look. “Why the hell didn't you tell him?” Bobby demanded.

 

But I already knew. I could feel it in my heart.

 

“Because.” Dean offered me a sideways glance before continuing. “He'd just try to stop us.”

 

Bobby frowned. “From what?”

 

“Summoning Castiel.” I interrupted.

 

Dean nodded at me while Bobby's mouth gaped open.

 

“We gotta face this thing head on.” Dean continued.

 

“You can't be serious!” Bobby finally found his voice.

 

“As a heart attack.” Dean answered.

 

Bobby shook his head, his eyes finding mine in the mirror again. “This is a bad idea.”

 

Dean shrugged. “What other choice do we have?”

 

“Life! We could choose life!” Bobby replied without hesitation.

 

Dean shifted and the invisible rope I'd become accustomed to gave me a little tug at his next words. “Yeah well, Bobby... this thing--it's after me. It's after Julia, and we got nowhere to hide. We can't be caught off guard again. It's better...it's better we take a stand.”

 

I swallowed hard at his reasoning. I agreed. This thing would chase us to the ends of the earth, and might be the death of me, we needed to confront. I gave him a tiny nod of my head, and one small smile. A sign to let him know--I didn't think he was wrong.

 

()()()()()()

 

 

The old warehouse was freezing. I shivered at the table while I watched the Bobby and Dean painting endless symbols across the floors and walls around us. It was surprising what two determined hunters could accomplish with a few spray cans and an hour of their time.

 

“You good?”

 

I shifted, my fingers fumbling for the end of my shirt. “Yeah.”

 

Dean studied me, and I felt heat spreading from my neck to my cheeks. His eyes on me made me feel things; I wasn't sure if those things were good or bad. Probably bad. I cringed at the memories that flashed before me: his hands on me, his fists...I jerked as he came closer.

 

“Here.” he had pulled his flannel off and was holding it out me. “You look cold.”

“Thanks.” I shifted my eyes away from him as I shrugged it on.

 

“Well. That's everything, every talisman and every trap from every kind of religion ever known to man,” Bobby said as he came to stand next to us.

 

Dean nodded, turning in place, his eyes scanning their work. “Yep. And.” He walked to the table behind us. “We got stakes, salt, iron, silver. I mean we got everything we could need.” I tried to ignore the twisting sensation in my stomach at seeing Dean standing there in front of all those weapons.

 

Bobby sighed, lifted his ball cap from his head, and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah. Well, I still think this is a bad idea.”

 

“I know Bobby,” Dean answered before shrugging his shoulders. “But what do you say we ring this dinner bell?”

 

 

 

()()()()()

 

_I had forgotten how to be me. I'd lost the art of who I was. Because the girl you left behind was ruined. Ruined in ways that could never be mended. But who was to blame? The boy who had broken her, or the girl who chose to break?_

 

()()()()()

 

I closed my eyes and tried to calm my nerves. Bobby was chanting in Latin, words I couldn't comprehend. I waited for the storm he was calling down upon us.

 

Except... I squinted out into the warehouse. Nothing. It was underwhelming. And I wasn't sure if this made me feel better or worse.

 

“What happened?” I leaned in to whisper at Dean. He eyed me before shaking his head.

 

He twisted around, leaning against the table where I was seated to look at Bobby. “You sure you did it right?”

 

Bobby scrunched up his face and gave Dean a look. “Do I look like an idiot?”

 

Dean held his hands up. He mumbled under his breath so only I could hear him.

“Sorry... touchy touchy.”

 

“Well--” I began, before doubling over.

 

“Whoa!” Dean reached out, stopping me from falling to the ground.

 

I winced against the shrill screaming in my ear. “He's coming.”

 

Dean lifted his eyebrows in confusion. “What do--” He stopped mid-sentence as the walls began to shake and the roof rattled as if it might fly away.

 

Dean twisted around, placing his body in front of my own, as if he could be some sort of shield. “Maybe it's the wind?”

 

“I don't think so, Dean.” Bobby called out, raising his voice to be heard over the roar in the room.

 

My heart pounded too hard as the doors to the warehouse were suddenly thrown open. There he was.

 

I stared wide-eyed. He was a man... But he was no such thing. I squinted at the figure across the room. Because just beyond him I could see more. But it didn't make sense. It didn't make sense to see what I was seeing.

 

“Who are you?” Dean demanded as Castiel neared us.

 

“I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.” His voice was shockingly deep and rough, his eyes lingered on Dean before slowly turning to me.

 

Blue. Bright blue, and beyond that? I tried to grasp what I knew I could see. But it felt like the harder I tried to understand the further it slipped away from me.

 

“Yeah, thanks for that,” Dean growled as he suddenly pushed himself forward and plunged the knife in his hand into the Castiel’s chest.

 

I couldn't help it. I screamed.

 

But Castiel showed no sign of being injured. Only a brief glimmer of pain flashed across his face.

 

I flinched as Bobby came from behind, firing blasts from a gun, each bullet landing precisely where he wanted it to.

 

Castiel hardly winced. Instead, his eyes locked with mine briefly, as if to send me a silent message. Which was what? What was the message? My mouth gaped open as Castiel broke the connection between us. He turned, and in one smooth motion placed two fingertips across Bobby's forehead. My heart hitched in my chest as the older man suddenly went lax, his body slumping to the ground.

 

I shook my head as my lower lip jutted out. Was he dead? Did he kill him?

 

“He's fine,” Castiel answered as if reading my mind.

 

Dean raced to Bobby’s side, placing his own fingers to Bobby’s neck, taking his pulse. “Who the hell are you?”

 

“Castiel.”

 

Dean stood, his eyes narrowing to slits. “Yeah-- I figured that much. I mean what are you?”

 

Castiel's eyes flicked from my face to Dean's “I'm an Angel of the Lord.”

 

My chest caught at his words, and suddenly it all made sense.

 

“Get the hell out of here. There's no such thing.” Dean scoffed in response.

 

“This is your problem Dean. You have no faith.” Castiel shook his head. Thunder roared in the distance and a brilliant light filled the room.

 

I squinted against the glare. Just beyond him... beyond Castiel, I could see better what it was I had seen before. Tall dark wings stretched out from the back of the man before us;, they took up the entire room.

 

Dean shook his head, a look of disgust on his face. “Some Angel you are. You burned out that poor woman's eyes.”

 

“I tried to warn her.” Castiel defended himself. “My true form can be overwhelming for humans and so can my voice, as you are aware.”

 

“You mean, the car and the hotel?” Dean squinted at the Angel in front of him. “That was you talking?”

 

Castiel nodded.

 

“Buddy, next time lower the volume.”

 

“That was my mistake. Certain people,. special people,.”—Castiel paused to look from Dean to me—“can see my true visage. I thought you would be one of them. I was wrong.”

 

“Yeah? And what visage are you in now? Huh? Holy tax accountant?”.

 

Castiel furrowed his brows before glancing down at his own body. “No. This? This is a vessel.”

 

I lifted my brows. “You're possessing someone?” My voice quivered as I spoke.

 

Castiel's blue eyes found mine, he stared for a long moment before taking a step closer. “He asked for this Julia. He's a devout man.” Castiel nodded like this made everything better.

 

Dean scoffed. “Right. Well I'm not believing this. So tell me, who are you really?”

 

Castiel frowned. “I told you.”

 

Dean laughed, but it wasn't sincere. “Right. And why would an Angel save me? I get her--” Dean nodded toward my direction, “but why me?”

 

I flicked my eyes from Castiel to Dean. A pang of guilt hit my heart, because a very tiny part of me agreed.

 

“Good things happen Dean,” Castiel answered.

 

Dean shook his head. “Not in my experience.”

 

Castiel tilted his head to the side as he took a step closer to Dean. “What's the matter, Dean. You don't believe you deserved to be saved?”

 

Dean's eyebrows shot up. “Why'd you do it?” he finally asked.

 

Castiel shifted, turning to glance at me once before turning back to Dean. “Because God commanded it. Because we have work for you.”

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

I stared stunned at the empty space where Castiel had just been. Apparently he wasn't one for goodbyes. “Dean?”

 

He winced at my voice. “I don't... I don't know what that means.” He was shaking his head, unwilling to look at me.

 

I nodded as I scooted down from the table. “I think it means... an Angel rescued us.” I took a cautious step forward; he was like a caged bird ready to fly.

 

“Stop.” He held his hands out.

 

I licked my lips, flicking my eyes from Dean down to Bobby. “Dean, maybe this isn't a bad thing?”

 

Dean tugged a hand through his hair as he shifted his gaze down to the older man as well. “Let's get him up. Let's um... let's go get Sam.”

 

I nodded and swallowed the lump in my throat. We'd come face to face with the devil hunting us, and found that he was no devil at all, but an Angel... an Angel of the Lord.

 

()()()()()

 

My stomach rumbled to life as soon as we entered the diner. When exactly had I last eaten? My mouth watered as a waitress passed, carrying a tray destined for someone else's table.

 

 

“He's over there.”

 

I turned my face up to glance at Dean. “Huh?”

 

Dean shook his head and motioned to a booth in the back. I followed his stare. Sam was sitting, but he looked good and ready to pace.

 

 

“Come on.”

 

I nodded and followed behind as Dean and Bobby lead the way. I waited until they had both slid into the booth before taking my own seat.

 

Sam leaned forward right away, his eyes locking with his brother's. “So.” He half whispered.

 

“So?” Dean raised an eyebrow.

 

Sam huffed before continuing. “So, what was he like? Did he look like an Angel?”

 

Dean shrugged. “He looked like a dude. A dude in a trench coat.”

 

Sam squinted in confusion before glancing over to Bobby. The old man nodded in agreement.

 

I shifted in my seat. I knew that wasn't true. Because I'd caught glimpses of what was beyond the man in the suit. I bit my lip. But I would never say it out loud, they’d think I lost my mind....

 

“Hi there.” The four of us twisted in our seats to look at the young waitress. She smiled pleasantly. “Coffee? Soda?”

 

“Coffee,” we all answered.

 

“Great. And were you ready to order, or did you need a minute?”

 

I lurched forward; Dean eyed me. “A burger!” I licked my lips, I could practically taste it already.

 

“Okay.” She smiled, her eyes flicking across the table to the others., They all shook their heads though, apparently they'd lost their appetites.

 

“And fries.” I added.

 

The waitress nodded as she scribbled my order down. “Okay. Well I'll get that right out to you.”

 

“Oh!” I called out as she turned to leave.

 

“Yes?” She painted a smile on her face, but I could tell she was ready to go.

 

“Um, do you have pie?”

 

Her eyebrows lifted. “Cherry, apple and key lime.”

 

“Could I have a slice of cherry, and apple?”

 

She eyed me skeptically before nodding slowly. “Sure. I'll be right back with your coffees.”

 

The table was quiet as I turned back in my seat, and I noticed to my mortification that I was the center of everyone's attention. “What?” I managed to blurt out.

 

Dean chuckled and shook his head. “You a little hungry?”

 

I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment, but Sam came to my rescue by clearing his throat.

 

“I still can't believe you guys didn't tell me what you were doing.”

 

“Yeah, well... It was last minute.” Dean answered.

 

_Liar._

 

Sam rolled his eyes and leaned back into the booth as the waitress reappeared, setting our cups down in front of us.

 

“So. No halo? Wings? Maybe a light shining down on him?” Sam continued tentatively.

 

Dean shook his head. “No, Sammy listen. I don't know. What if it's not an Angel.. I mean. What if it's just like a supercharged demon?”

 

I cringed at Dean's suggestion. I knew. I knew beyond a doubt that Castiel was not, could not ever be a demon.

 

Sam crinkled his forward as he pulled a sip of coffee from his cup. “I don't think he's a demon Dean.”

 

Bobby nodded in agreement. “Not with everything we hit it with, Dean. The thing walked right through the devil's trap, you hit him with rock salt and you even used Ruby's blade.”

 

Dean sighed. “Well. Don't you think that if Angels were real that some hunter somewhere would have seen one— at some point—ever?”

 

Sam flicked his eyes from Dean to me and then back again. “Well yeah, Dean. You just did.”

 

()()()()()

 

I tried to ignore the stares from the boys as I devoured my food. I'd had to slap Dean's hand away several times to keep him from stealing fries off of my plate while I shoveled my burger into my mouth. And now I was working on my pie— well, pies, as in plural. It was heavenly. I moaned as I took another bite from my fork.

 

“You sure you're gonna eat both of those?” Dean was eyeing the second slice that I still hadn't touched with obvious want.

 

“Mm-hmm.” I mumbled through a mouthful.

 

“Alright.” He tapped an impatient finger against the table while casting a dirty look my way.

 

I smirked as I straightened and dropped my fork down to my plate. “Here.”

 

“Really?” Dean's face broke out into a smile as I handed over my second piece.

 

“Yeah. Really. I'm full.”

 

“I bet you are.” Sam laughed while he scanned over the empty plates in front of me. He was either entirely disgusted with my ability to put away food, or thoroughly impressed. I was leaning towards disgusted.

 

Dean rubbed his hands together with anticipation before picking up his own fork and taking a bite. “Mmm!” He mumbled and nodded appreciatively. I smiled at his enthusiasm.

 

Good pie could fix most things and that pie was damn good.

 

“Alright. Well, I'll be heading home now. I've got a lot of research to do.” Bobby suddenly announced as he stood. He eyed me as he threw down a few dollar bills. “You comin’ with me sweetheart?”

 

“Oh.” I frowned as I glanced around the table. Dean had stopped chewing mid-bite to stare at me. “Um. Yeah. I could come.”

 

Bobby nodded approvingly and held a hand out for me. “Well let's get a move on.”

 

My legs didn't want to work for the first few steps I took. I could feel that damn invisible rope again tugging at me, but I forced myself to not look back. Because I was certain if I did, I'd change my mind, and I didn't want Bobby to think I didn't trust him. I eyed the older man beside me. Because I did. I trusted him more than anyone else currently in my life.

 

()()()()()

 

 

_Sometimes I see flashes of who my sister might have been had life not been so cruel._

_And sometimes I see the person that I could have been... had there been no her._

_It's my deepest secret. The one I swallow down with guilt._

_See, sometimes I see flashes of a life where I lived and she died._

 

()()()()()

 

I stared at the computer in front of me. My feet were dangling from the seat, my toes barely touching the floor. This was wrong... I sucked in a big gulp of air and then I clicked the browser. My fingers hovered over the keyboard, and my heart pounded in my ears.

 

 

Just do it! I closed my eyes as my fingertips tapped out the name.

Abigail Morgan.

My pinky stalled over the enter button for just a moment before hitting it.

 

I squinted at the screen. Oh. My eyes widened. She was smiling. She was beautiful. She was happy, and she was alive. I bit my lip as I nervously clicked her page. Apparently she had no trust issues, as she kept nothing private. My mouth went dry as I flicked through her posts, her pictures, her life.

 

She was doing well in school and drinking enough coffee to support a local Starbucks, at least it looked that way from her pictures. I paused scrolling to stare at a single picture of her smiling face next to a boy I had never seen. It looked like she had a new boyfriend?

 

I leaned back into the chair, feeling defeated in ways I had not expected. What was it that I had wanted to see? Was I wanting her to be ruined? Wrecked and still mourning me? Maybe. I mean, it had only been five months.

 

I licked my lips as I leaned forward again, a sudden idea coming to me. I scrolled back quickly through her posts. I was looking for a specific date.

 

March 2nd, 2008

 

There was nothing on that day, which of course there wouldn't have been. But on March 3rd, 2008...

 

There. My face. My face and a single paragraph. I furrowed my brows and a small choked cry caught in my throat..

 

“Hey, kiddo?”

 

I jumped, quickly closing the browser window as my bedroom door squeaked open.

 

Bobby eyed me. “Uh. You hungry?” He asked.

 

I forced a smile and shook my head. “No. Thanks though.”

 

He nodded. “Alright. Well. I'll leave you to it.”

 

“Bobby?” I called out just before the door closed completely behind him.

 

“Yeah?” He dipped his head back inside the room.

 

“Did you find anything?”

 

“Oh yeah.” He nodded. “There's a lot of lore on Angels out there. The boys will be here soon though, and we can all go over it together, huh?”

 

I nodded. “Sounds good. I uh... I think I'm gonna lay down for a bit though, okay Bobby?”

 

“Sure. Sure you rest up.”

 

I waited until I was certain he had made it back downstairs before flicking the screen back on.

 

_**Today I lost my sister. My sister was beautiful, but my sister had demons. My sister had demons that she tried for years to fight on her own. And I'm speaking out today for all those who also have their own demons they are fighting. Please. Please don't do what my sister did. Please, reach out! Tell your family, tell your friends. Tell them! Don't wait until it is too late. My sister killed herself, and it hurts more than anything. But she didn't have to do this. All she had to do was reach out. So please, if you're thinking about hurting yourself, just don't. You don't have to be alone.** _

 

I held a hand to my mouth. My family thought that I... I blinked away tears. Well. They weren't wrong, were they? A bitter laugh tumbled out of my mouth, surprising me. I did have demons! Ha! So many more than they could ever know.

 

I pressed the power button to the computer with more force than necessary, shutting it down. My heart hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt angry. I felt like crying.

 

I stood abruptly from the chair and marched my way to the single bed. I flopped down and buried myself under the weight of my own grief. There in the silence of my room, I let myself sob before finally falling into a fitful sleep.

 

I rolled over onto my side, squinting at the sun that was just starting to poke through the blinds. Had I slept all night? I flicked my eyes to my still closed bedroom door. Had the boys made it back? I pursed my lips before stilling my breath; the change in the air around me was palpable. It was as if the small room had come alive with its own electricity. The hairs on my arms stood on end and my skin hummed. I could almost hear what sounded like the fluttering of wings. No. I shifted upright. I most definitely heard the sound of fluttering wings. What was that? I narrowed my eyes as I scanned the room, gasping as I spotted him in the corner staring back at me.

 

Castiel?

 

I threw the covers from my body and shot out of bed. “What are you doing here?” My eyes traveled to the place just beyond him, where I could see his great wings spreading out.

 

He was stoic in his silence, his face unchanging as he watched me. I shifted on my feet. A fleeting thought crossed my mind to run. His eyes narrowed at me.

 

“Castiel?” My lower lip quivered. Would he hurt me?

 

“I would not.”

 

“Oh.” Had he just read my mind?

 

 

He squinted at me and tilted his head slightly to the side. “You are not safe here.”

 

A nervous laugh fell from my lips as I took a step backward. “I'm not?” I flicked my eyes to the door. Was it possible to outrun an Angel?

 

His eyebrows furrowed together. Shit! I needed to start filtering my thoughts better. “Wait!” I squeaked as he narrowed his eyes at me and stalked closer. “Please Castiel!” I held my hands out as if that somehow could protect me from the inevitable.

 

I inhaled sharply at the sensation that rushed through my body as he placed his hand on my shoulder and I slammed my eyes shut.

 

My stomach twisted into knots as I landed hard on my knees. I squinted out into the new scenery. Where the hell were we? I shifted my gaze up to the trench coat wearing Angel beside me. “Castiel?”

 

He glanced down at me, and I shuddered under his stern stare. “You shouldn't fear me. It is not my intention to bring you harm.”

 

I bit my lip and nodded. The more I looked at him, the more I could see the thing inside. Or more so, the thing on the outside. The man this Angel possessed was not large enough to encompass all of his being. So the Angel hovered out and above, with large wings that expanded out into the sky. He was not solid, nor transparent. He was dark, but light, with a face that glowed a brilliant blue. It was something I couldn't understand. I couldn't.

 

Slowly I pulled myself up to stand and faced the open field in front of us. It was beautiful. A giant meadow, strewn with flowers of every color you could imagine. I smiled as I noticed for the first time the sweet scent that filled the air. He'd taken me somewhere safe.

 

I flicked my eyes back to the Angel. “You know. Just because you say I shouldn't be scared of you, doesn't make it so I'm not, but I'm gonna work on it.”

 

He shifted, turning his head just enough to look at me. “I'll take you back soon.”

 

I blinked up at him. “Why wasn't I safe there?”

 

 

“A seal was broken.”

 

“What?”

 

“The rise of the witnesses.”

 

I nodded as if that made any sense at all. “It wasn't safe for me, but it was safe for Bobby? Sam? Dean?” After I asked I wanted to shy away from the look that Castiel was giving me, but I forced myself instead to stare back.

 

Finally he looked away first.

 

“They will be fine.”

 

I twisted around, my eyes focused on the flowers in front of us once again. It made no sense—a seal was broken? “What does that mean?” I finally asked.

 

“It means today they will not die.”

 

 

I shook my head. “No, I mean... the seal? You said a seal was broken.”

 

His bright blue eyes squinted at me. “It means that a lock on Lucifer's cage has been broken.”

 

Oh? My chest tightened, and my heart sped up. That didn't sound good...

 


	8. Chapter 8

“Warning next time?” I panted while slapping my hands to my knees. My stomach had about all it could handle of the sudden disappearing and reappearing we had been doing for almost the entire day. Angel travel, as it turned out, was not as fun as one might expect.

 

Castiel squinted at me before offering a single nod. I straightened, my eyes skimming across our new surroundings. It was a kitchen. We were back at Bobby's, and from the look of it we were the only two awake.

 

“What the hell!”

 

I jumped. What was Dean doing lurking in the shadows? “Dean!” I gasped as I held a hand to my hammering heart.

 

He eyed me cautiously as he came closer. “You okay? What'd he do to you?”

 

I shook my head slowly as I took a step away from him. “I'm fine.”

 

“She was in no danger, Dean.” Castiel interrupted.

 

“Yeah well. Excuse me for not taking your word for it.”

 

Castiel shifted, his eyes narrowing. “You should learn to show me a little respect.”

 

“Okay. It's okay.” I held my hands up as I stepped between the two of them. Both were acting like Neanderthals.

 

Dean sighed before pulling his glaring eyes away from Castiel to look at me. “You sure you're okay?”

 

I nodded. “Fine. I'm fine. Is everyone here okay? Castiel told me what happened; he told me everything.” I bit my lip as I tore my eyes away—he told me too much, and coming face to face with Dean now seemed too hard.

 

“Yeah. We're okay.”

 

Castiel nodded as he eyed Dean. “You did an excellent job with the witnesses.” He finally offered.

 

Dean frowned. “Did you know this would happen?”

 

“I was made aware.”

 

Dean scoffed. “And you didn't think you should have mentioned it... you know maybe offered a little divine intervention?”

 

“I came for her.” Castiel shifted away from Dean's accusing stare. “She would not have been safe.”

 

Dean huffed as he dragged a hand across his face. “Well, thanks for that.”

 

Castiel nodded before continuing. “I sincerely doubt you want to know, but you must.”

 

“What? What are you talking about?”

 

I pursed my lips as I walked over to the counter to pull out a bar stool and sit. Green and blue eyes watched me. It was unnerving.

 

“The witnesses rising was just one of the 66 seals.”

 

“And what is that?”

 

I licked my lips and shifted my hands out in front of me.

 

“Think of these seals as locks. Locks that Lilith is breaking.”

 

Dean twisted to look at me before turning back to Castiel. “Okay, and when she breaks those locks?”

 

Castiel sighed. “Then Lucifer walks.”

 

“What? No... That's just some story, Lucifer isn’t real. There's no such thing.”

 

“Three days ago you didn't believe I was real, Dean. Why do you think my kind are here now, walking among you for the first time in over 2,000 years?”

 

I closed my eyes as Dean inhaled sharply before answering. “To stop Lucifer?”

 

Castiel nodded. “After the first seal was broken, we came. But we can't do it on our own, Dean. It's actually you who must be the one to stop it.”

 

Dean shook his head. “I don't understand.”

 

“You're the righteous man. The one who started it has to be the one to end it.”

 

“What?” He turned to look at me. “Does he ever not talk in riddles?” I shrugged, tears prickling my eyes, Dean frowned at me before turning back to Castiel. “Tell me, what do you mean?” He took a threatening step closer to the Angel.

 

Castiel tilted his head to the side as he took an equally threatening step toward Dean. “You have blood on your hands Dean.” And then he was gone.

 

“What the hell?” Dean whipped around to face me. “Julia?”

 

I shook my head, wiping angrily at the tears that had managed to escape and drizzle down my cheeks. “Nothing Dean.”

 

“No, wait!” He came closer, his hand reaching out to stop me as I stood to leave.

 

“I'm tired, Dean.” I tried to shrug away from his touch.

 

“Just tell me. What did he mean?”

 

I trained my eyes on the floor between us. I couldn't look at him. “You were the first seal Dean. You broke it.” I smiled bitterly and Dean took a step backward, dropping his hand from my arm as he did.

 

“What—I ?” His eyes darted across my face as he shook his head.

 

“You shed blood in Hell, and I was that blood Dean. That was me!” I raised my voice as I lifted my eyes from the floor to Dean. “Listen—” I shook my head and managed to lower my voice again. “I had a long day. I learned a lot of things and frankly I just want to go to sleep, so if you could just not touch me right now, while I process it all... that'd be great.”

 

“Julia?” He called to me as I started to leave.

 

I froze. His voice was dripping with sorrow; it made me turn back around to face him. His bottom lip quivered and his eyes shone with tears ready to fall. “What, Dean?”

 

He swallowed and I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed. “I'm so sorry.”

 

My stomach dropped. He was sorry? “You remember, don't you?” I took a step closer. “You remember everything?”

 

He looked away, wiping at his face as he did.

 

A nervous laugh tumbled from my lips as I walked even closer. “I want to say I forgive you—but I can't. Dean I can't.”

 

A sob caught in his throat as I turned to leave the room, but I pretended I couldn't hear it. And as I took those first few steps away from him I also pretended I couldn't feel that damn rope in my stomach tightening its grip. It wanted me to go back to him, but I refused—I refused to be ruled by it.

 

 

()()()()()()()()

 

 

 

I stared at my reflection. Dark circles filled the space beneath my eyes, and my skin had turned gray, overnight, it seemed. I was exhausted, because every time I had managed to fall asleep, I had fallen into a dream. A dream where I was back in Hell and Dean's hands had worked themselves raw against my flesh. Burning, marking, cutting away until I was nothing more than bones and blood.

 

“Julia?”

 

I lifted my eyes from the mirror to the door. Sam lingered there, unsure whether or not he should enter. “Yeah Sam?”

 

“Um. I don't know what happened, but Dean... he won't talk to me and you've been hiding in here all morning. I just... did something happen?” He lifted a brow at me.

 

“No.” I shook my head, turning my eyes back to the mirror. “Nothing happened Sam.”

 

He sighed before nodding. “I'm gonna make a run to town. Did you want anything?”

 

I shifted to look at him. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go. “No.”

 

He nodded again. “Alright.” He frowned. “Listen—whatever it is that supposedly didn't happen, I'm sorry.”

 

I swallowed hard. “Sam?”

 

He was just leaving, but he stopped to look back at me. “Yeah?”

 

“Take me with you?”

 

He squinted at me. “Yeah, sure you could come.”

 

A brief smile flitted across my lips. “Maybe getting out of the house will do me good?”

 

“Yeah.” Sam nodded and a tiny piece of guilt wedged itself into my heart. Sam trusted me. Sam was good.

 

I swallowed down the lump in my throat as I climbed into the car. My eyes stared at the house as we backed out of the drive. Mentally, I pictured myself cutting that rope. The thing that tied me to Dean. I finally understood it. It wasn't that I was meant to be near him, it was something far more simple. It was a link from me to him, a reminder that it was my blood and his hands that had broken the first seal. And I didn't want that reminder any more. I didn't need it. No. Those parts of me that he had ruined in Hell, those parts could stay there.

 

()()()()()

 

I flicked my eyes over to Sam as he put the car into park and climbed from his seat. A tiny part of me wanted to change my mind. But I'd made it this far—

 

“Sam?” My voice cracked as I came around the front of the car to stand beside him.

 

“Hmm?” He was busy reading over his list. Which was slightly endearing to see.

 

“I'm going to go.” I swallowed as his hazel eyes finally lifted up from the paper to look at me.

 

“What?”

 

“I can't be here anymore. And now that we know that Castiel isn't coming for me, I just... I think I would be better on my own. And I know it's not fair of me to ask, but I thought you could help me. Because I don't think Dean would.”

 

His eyebrows furrowed before he finally nodded. “Yeah. I get it. I mean. This life is hard, and if you can get out, well then yeah. You should.” He nodded before tugging his wallet from his pants pocket. “Here. It's not much, it's what I got though.”

 

I frowned at the few hundred dollar bills and credit card that he held out to me. “What's that?”

 

Sam shrugged. “Use the credit card first. Rent a car, grab food, supplies, whatever you think you'll need... do that all here, and then after when you leave, use the cash. Okay? Dean can't track you if you use the cash.”

 

“Oh.” I blinked at his open hand before finally taking his offering. “Thank you.”

 

Sam nodded before shoving his hands into his pockets and rocking back on his heels. “If you ever get into trouble. Just call okay?”

 

“Mm-hmm.” I nodded. “I'll be okay Sam.” I studied him a moment before finally leaning in and offering him a single hug. He stiffened at first at my touch before molding himself around me and patting my back. I smiled into his chest. He was good. I knew he was good, and if I was honest a part of me knew that Dean was good too—he just couldn't be good to me. “Alright. Well. I'm gonna go now.”

 

Sam nodded, finally breaking our embrace as he stepped away. “Okay. I'll waste some time here in town, give you a head start.”

 

()()()()()()()()()()

 

My fingers shook as I placed that card down on the counter. They'd know, wouldn't they? They'd know that I was a phony and that the credit card in front of me was not mine. It wasn't. Oh God. My heart raced as the the attendant picked it up to examine it before looking at me.

 

“It's 100.00 non reversible charge on top of the 40.00 daily charge. You okay with that?”

 

I winced at his question. It wasn't my money. “Yeah?” I bit my lip, mentally scolding myself as my answer came out sounding more like a question.

 

He eyed me before shrugging. “Yeah, it sucks. I mean most places you at least get that 100.00 back, ya know? Any way. We have a Pontiac vibe out back. That's all we got though, that gonna work for you?”

 

I nodded slowly. “Sure.”

 

“Good, good.” My eyes widened as he slid the card through his register, eyeing it as numbers popped up on his computer screen. “You want the added insurance on top of the one included?”

 

“What?”

 

He lifted his eyes from the screen to look at me once again. “It's nice in case you break down, you know?”

 

“Oh.” I lifted my brows. “No. No it's fine. I'm not going far.”

 

“Hmm.” He nodded before typing something onto the keyboard. “Alright, all set. Just need you to sign right here... Miss Cooper.” He shifted, suddenly pulling a piece of paper out and handing it over to me.

 

Miss Cooper? Oh... right credit card scam. “Sure.” I scribbled something that looked like a name on the dotted line before exhaling the breath I'd been holding.

 

“There you go!” He smiled as he tossed the keys to me. “Have a safe trip!” he called as I was pushing the door open to leave.

 

“Thanks.” Was it really that simple? I stared at the keys in my hand as I walked awkwardly across the parking lot.

 

“Hey, wait!”

 

I froze. Shit. “Yes?” I tried to smile as I whipped back around to face the attendant.

 

“Your card!” He waved it in his hand. “You almost forgot your card.” He smiled as he stopped in front of me.

 

“Right. Thanks.” My fingers twitched as I snatched it from his outreached hand.

 

“You have a good day.”

 

“You too!” I called out as he finally turned around and headed back inside. _Finally_.

 

Okay. I placed my hands on the steering wheel. I could do this. Just turn the ignition over. Put it into drive. And leave this place behind. Leave Dean behind. Leave it all behind.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

I jumped whipping around to face Castiel. “What—shit!”

 

He frowned at me before leaning forward. It was strange seeing him there, so large crammed into the backseat of some minivan looking thing. “You do not understand, Julia Morgan. Your work is not done.”

 

My eyebrows lifted and my lips parted. “What does that mean?”

 

His eyes narrowed to slits as he reached a hand out to touch me. “You are the missing piece.”

 

“What!?”

 

()()()()()()

 

Oh God. I was going to be sick. This felt worse than all the times before, I held my stomach as I wobbled on my feet. Castiel's hand was still on my shoulder, steadying me. I flinched away from his touch. “Where are we now?” I flicked my eyes over to look at him when he didn't answer, but he was gone. “What the hell?”

 

I twisted around, shaking my head. He'd dropped me off in the middle of some town and left me. Great.

 

“Hey buddy, you can't sleep here.”

 

I lifted my eyes up to the voice. Shit. A police officer was standing over a bewildered looking Dean Winchester.

 

“Okay? Sleep... where?” Dean asked as he scanned the area before finally spotting me.

 

“Anywhere but here.” The police officer answered, but Dean was already standing and walking away.

 

He sighed as he stopped in front of me and I sucked in a breath of air before taking a cautious step backward. “What are you doing here?” His voice was rough.

 

“Castiel.”

 

He shook his head. “Freakin' Angels.”

 

And despite my current feelings toward Dean, I smiled.

 

“Alright well, let's figure out where we are, huh?” He gave me a sidelong glance before turning to face the diner across the street. “There. Let's go grab a drink, and think.”

 

I chewed my lip before finally nodding and following behind him. I gasped as we stepped inside. It was like being thrown back in time. This place was oozing a heavy 70's vibe. Which okay, who doesn't like the 70's? But still... weird.

 

Dean, however, didn't seem to notice. Instead he marched right up to the counter before taking a seat next to a young looking man with dark hair. I hesitated briefly before deciding to sit on the other side of Dean. I eyed the waiter behind the counter, studying his odd attire warily as I did. This felt off. This felt like more than just a diner trying to look like it was stuck in the 70's... it looked like an actual diner that was actually stuck in the 70's

 

“So do you know where we are?” Dean nodded to the guy beside him.

 

“Uh. Jaybird's Diner?” The man answered while furrowing his brows and staring, he must have thought Dean was a few cards short of a deck.

 

Dean laughed, it sounded strange coming from his mouth. “No. I mean uh, city and state?”

 

The man shifted to look past Dean and briefly to me before turning his attention back, something about his eyes looked familiar. “Um. Lawrence. Lawrence Kansas?”

 

Dean stiffened at his answer before turning to face me, his eyes searching my face for answers.

 

“You okay, buddy?”

 

Dean whipped back around to face the guy. “Yeah. No. I'm fine... just it was a tough night.”

 

The young gentlemen nodded before waving his hand to get the attention of the water. “Hey, coffee please, Reg?”

 

“Sure thing.” The waiter called as he grabbed up a cup and filled it before setting it in front of Dean. I smiled in thanks as Reg grabbed an extra cup and did the same for me. Coffee sounded amazing. I closed my eyes as I took that first blissful sip.

 

“Winchester!”

 

My eyes snapped open as I turned to face the door. An older man with a wide smile had just come in.

 

“Son of bitch! How are you doing corporal?” He continued and I twisted to stare curiously at him as he walked over to the younger man who had helped order our coffee's earlier. Dean did the same.

 

“Mr. D!” The man stood, offering his hand out to shake the new guy's hand.

 

“I heard you were back.”

 

“Yeah... For awhile now.”

 

The new man nodded. “Well, it's good to have you back. Damn good, John.”

 

I shifted my stare from the two men to the back of Dean's head as I heard him gasp.

 

“Well, you take care of yourself John, huh? And keep in touch.” The man slapped a hand to John's shoulder before turning to leave. I eyed him skeptically as he nodded and offered me a smile in passing, before turning my attention back to Dean and John.

 

This all felt too weird.

 

“You okay Mister?” John was staring down at Dean now. He furrowed his brows. “We know each other?”

 

Dean shook his head. “I guess not.”

 

John hummed before tapping a hand to Dean's shoulder. “Well. You take it easy okay, pal?”

 

“Yeah.” Dean nodded.

 

I waited until John had left the Diner before smacking Dean with my hand. “Hey! What was that about?”

 

Dean shifted to look at me, his eyes wide. “That was my dad.”

 

()()()()()()()()

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh goodness guys! We're almost at the end, and I just have to say if you've been sticking with me you are the best. Sincerely! You taking the time to read, leave comments, or kudos--any of it and all of it! It has meant so much to me. 
> 
> Thank you!

I shifted in my seat. “Your Dad?” Dean nodded as he stood and made for the door. I scurried to follow. “What are you doing?” I hissed.

 

“Well, before Castiel zapped me here, he said I had to stop 'it'. 'It's' gotta be something to do with my dad... right?”

 

I eyed him before nodding in agreement. “I guess. But you're just gonna follow him?”

 

“You got a better idea?”

 

I bit my lip. “What if—what if you change something important? What if you make it so you don't even exist?” I frowned at the idea. If there were no Dean, would I be here?

 

He blinked at me before shaking his head and turning once again for the door. “Come on. We wait much longer and we'll lose him.”

 

I hesitated for a beat before feeling the tug in my gut and letting my feet fall into step behind him. “So, he said you had to stop it?”

 

“Yeah.” Dean answered without bothering to glance back at me.

 

“Stop what though?”

 

Dean sighed. “I don't know.”

 

“Okay. Well, what else did he say?”

 

“Julia!” Dean snapped as he twisted around to look at me. “I don't know. Okay? I don't know why the freakin' angel sent me here, I don't know why he decided to bring you along for the ride, I just don't know! Okay?”

 

I inhaled sharply at his tone. “Okay.”

 

Dean closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “I'm sorry.” He stepped closer, and I stepped back as he did. “Listen—Julia. I'm just trying to not lose my Dad. And all your questions... on top everything else, I mean the seals, the righteous man—it's all just too much.”

 

I nodded. “It's fine.” My eyes darted to the ground between us. “You uh... you go ahead and find your dad. I think. I think I'll stay at the diner.”

 

Dean straightened. “No. We should stay together. Come on.”

 

“No.” My answer was final. This fear he had instilled in me, I would conquer it. I had to.

 

Dean sighed as he searched my face. “I'm sorry I raised my voice. I'm sorry. Obviously you don't want to be around me. And believe me I get it, I wouldn't wanna be around me either... after everything. So I guess you stay at the diner... and I'll, I'll come back soon. Okay?”

 

I nodded once. “Fine.”

 

()()()()()()

 

_You see, I never understood the hold you had on me. That string that led me back to you, not at first anyway, not really. But now, I wonder—did you ever feel it too?_

 

()()()()()()

  
  


I blew out a breath of air as I shuffled along the sidewalk, I had to force myself to keep my eyes straight ahead. With each step that took me away from Dean, I could feel an equal pull that wanted me to go back. But I wouldn't. No!

I halted as Castiel suddenly materialized. “Shit!” I gasped.  
  
The Angel frowned at me. “You shouldn't be alone.”   
  
I laughed. “I shouldn't be alone? You left me alone!”   
  
He studied me. “You are under stress.”   
  
I blinked at him “Yeah—I'm under stress.” I threw my hands up and waved them around. “I'm under stress because I'm in the 1970's and I have no idea why.” My stomach clenched as the pull on the cord strengthened. I shifted my gaze past Castiel. Was Dean in trouble? Why, why did the pull seem so strong?  
  
“You are here because you must be.”

  
“And what does that mean?” I shook my head, trying to ignore the sensation building and twisting inside me.  
  
Castiel squinted before disappearing. I flipped around looking in all directions, but the Angel in the trench coat was gone. “That's great.” I grumbled to myself as I pressed a hand to my stomach. “Easy. Easy does it.” I whispered as I tried to continue down the block. I was almost to the diner when the coil in my stomach snapped. I inhaled sharply at the sudden release, before whipping around. Dean? Was Dean okay? I froze as my eyes landed on a man with a familiar face.

  
  


()()()()()()()

  
  


He was the Devil of my past. Or maybe he wasn't my Devil yet. He looked younger. But he still had those pale blue eyes, and he still wore that crooked little smile.   
  
His eyes found me just as I had found him. His mouth quirked up and he nodded at me like we were old friends. My heart galloped to life, and everything in me told me to run, but my feet had turned to cement blocks... and I was frozen, waiting for him to reclaim me.

  
  


“Hmm. Hello, doll.” His smooth voice came out sounding like a song as he approached me.   
  
I shook my head and clamped a hand to my mouth—I was going to throw up.

  
  


“Oh my, just look at you. You're all topside and shiny new!” He paused to make a face. “You still reek of Hell though, that burnt fleshy smell is pretty hard to get rid of, huh?”   
  
I swallowed as I finally managed to force my feet to take a single shaky step backward. I was so close to the diner. If I could just make it to the diner. I glanced over my shoulder. Maybe I could run.   
  
“Hey. Don't you want to know how I'll find you?”

  
  


I flicked my eyes back to his face. “What?”

  
  


He smiled as he inched closer. “The night I come to you.”

  
  


My lungs squeezed tight at his words. “What do you mean?”

  
  


“Well, I might be able to smell you from a mile away now, because you got the scent of Hell on you, but I know you're not from this time. Call it intuition. So that means future me is gonna have to be able to find you, without being able to smell you. And how do you think I'll do that?”

  
  


“I... I don't know?”

  
  


He leaned in to whisper in my ear and my stomach dropped. “You're going to tell me.”

  
  


My mouth went dry and my eyes widened at the realization.

  
  


I was fifteen the first time the Devil came to me.

  
  


A bitter laugh fell from my lips as I clutched a hand to my chest. You see, I was fifteen the first time I agreed to kill myself, and I was twenty-five when I agreed for the second time.

  
  


He smiled at me and waited for me to collect myself before continuing. “I'm glad we have an understanding.”

  
  


I closed my eyes and images of Abigail swarmed my mind. I had a choice. Right now. Guilt gnawed at me as I realized what I wanted to say, meant that she would die. NO! My eyes flew back open and narrowed at the Devil in front of me. “March 2nd,1998 in Pontiac, Illinois. That's where you'll find me in the middle of the night.” I swayed on my feet as the words left my lips. There, I'd sealed my fate.

  
  


He nodded at me as he cocked his head to the side. “It has been a pleasure to meet you, and I look forward to seeing you again.”

  
Tears pooled in my eyes and my chest burned with the knowledge of what I had just done.

  
  


“Shh, don't cry. You won't regret it.” He stepped closer. “You're the piece you know, the one I've been seeking. You are after all 'the innocent blood that the righteous man will claim, and as her skin breaks, so shall the first seal.' At least that's how the story goes.”

  
  


Oh. I felt the blood drain from my face, and before I could process anymore, he was gone. He was gone and as if the entire thing had been a dream, people continued to walk right past me on the streets like I hadn't just learned that I was the worst kind of monster. I was the monster that no one suspected. I was the monster that would help set Lucifer free.

  
  


()()()()()()()

  
  


I tried to sip at my coffee, but I kept spilling more than I swallowed because my hands refused to stop shaking. The chain that had linked me to Dean was gone. This whole time I'd fought so hard against it and now just like that, it was gone. I bit my lip as I ran nervous fingers through my hair. We were the two destined to break that first seal. It wasn't just Dean, it was both of us. My _innocent_ blood, his hands—our fate.

  
  


“I'm sorry.” I startled at the sudden deep voice beside me. “That must have been difficult for you.”

I twisted to look at him. He was disheveled, he seemed to be drained, exhausted... could Angels be exhausted?   
  
He shrugged as if to answer my silent question. “Bending time is complicated.”

  
I blinked at him before leaning in. “You knew? You knew that I was a part of it, and you brought me here?”   
  
Castiel's eyes traveled over my face, before he nodded just once.

  
  


My heart ached at his subtle confession. “Why? Castiel, why would you do that to me? To Dean?”

  
  


“It was how it was always meant to be.” He furrowed his brows to look at me. “But, we have asked of you both. I see that now.”

  
  


I scoffed before pulling a long sip from my cup and setting it back down. I wanted to hate him.   
  
But in that moment the only one I could seem to hate... was myself.

  
  


“Humans are so fragile, so easily broken, but you Julia, I believe you will survive this”

  
  


I bit my lip as I trained my stare on the angel. “Just because you believe that Castiel... doesn't mean I will.”

  
  


()()()()()()()

  
  


_If only I had learned to be evil. Maybe If I had taught my body to be wicked before I let it burn. Maybe then none of this would have ever been. Or maybe, maybe if we had both learned how to say goodbye to those we loved, maybe then we could have stopped it all. But you see, we didn't—we couldn't. And now we're both to blame._

  
  


()()()()()()  
  
  


I jerked upright, gasping as I did. I was back in my car, still parked at the dealership. Castiel was gone. I jumped as the attendant from earlier suddenly appeared at my window.

  
  


“Yes?” My voice was a few octaves too high as I rolled the window down.

  
  


“You having trouble? You've been out here for a while.”

  
“Oh.” I forced a smile. “No. No, just trying to um figure out the best route.”

  
  


He nodded at me. “Where are you heading?”

  
  


I licked my lips. “Pontiac, Illinois.”

  
  


“Oh, that's easy! You'll wanna hit I-80 and head east.”

  
  


I swallowed and smiled. “Thanks.”

  
  


I hadn't known until that very moment where I was going. But that wasn't true, was it? I'd always known that I'd come back for her. The girl I had agreed to die for not once but twice. Abigail.

  
  


()()()()()()

  
  


My heart hammered in my chest as I pulled into that old familiar drive. Abby and I had rented it together. And we'd spent most of our time fixing it up, because between the two of us, we could hardly afford anything more than the falling apart house in front of me. By the looks of it though, someone was helping her maintain the place.

  
  


It had a fresh coat of paint, the yard was looking greener and better than it ever had, and the damn fence that had given us trouble from the beginning was now standing completely erect with no loose boards, or hanging pieces. How strange, I'm dead for five months and she manages to give the entire house a makeover?

  
  


I stilled my breath as the front door swung open and Abigail came bouncing out to the porch. She was smiling, saying something over her shoulder to someone still inside the house.

  
  


I tried to swallow, tried to make my mouth not feel so dry, but my tongue had swollen and my throat had shrunk. This was a terrible idea.

  
  


I shook my head as I threw the car into reverse, but as I did—her eyes locked with mine.

  
  


I froze, her face paled and then I watched as her knees buckled and her eyes rolled back.

  
  


Shit. I scrambled to put the car into park before hopping out. “Abby!” I was running to get to her. I was too late though, she went down hard, her head smacking the side of the hand railing as she did.

  
  


No.. no. I skipped over the two steps and slid down to my knees as I finally made it too her side. “Abby?” I touched the spot on her head that was now bleeding. It didn't look that bad... it was fine, she was fine. “Hey. Abby.” I soothed. “Come on. You're okay, open your eyes, huh? Come on.” I was brushing her hair from her face with my fingers when I heard the gasp come from doorway behind me. I whipped around to face the stranger.

  
  


He shifted backward, his eyes jumping from my face to Abby's. “What—happened?”

  
  


I winced at his accusing stare. “She just fainted. I think.”

  
  


“Abby?” He crouched down beside her and he pried her eyelids open to examine her pupils.

  
  


She inhaled sharply, startling us both as she suddenly sprang upright. Immediately she scooted backward, until her back pressed against the railing of the porch, she was trying to put as much space between herself and the both of us as she could.

  
  


The man beside me shifted. “Abby. Whoa. It's okay. Hey, it's okay!” He held his hands up in surrender, but she wasn't looking at him, she was looking at me.   
  
Her mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. Her eyebrows furrowed together. Finally she shook her head and cried.

  
  


“Abby?” I was inching myself closer, my hand tentatively reaching out for her, but she pulled away before I could touch her. I dropped my hand. “It's me. It really is me.”

  
  


“No.” Her voice broke through another sob as she shook her head. “No.”

  
  


“Alright. I think you need to leave.”

  
  


“What?” I darted my eyes to the man still to my side. “No. I mean... you don't understand.”

  
  


He nodded at me as he stood and gently tugged my sister up along with him. “I understand just fine, obviously Abigail does not want you here, so you need to leave. Now!” he yelled when I didn't budge. “Now before I call the cops.”

  
  


I flicked my eyes between his face and my sister's, but Abby refused to look at me, instead she had buried her face into his arm. I swallowed as I finally took one step backward. This was a horrible idea. I'd always known it was. “I'm sorry I scared you, Abby Roo, I won't do that again.” My chest hitched. “Goodbye.”

  
  


I twisted around, wiping at my eyes as I walked back to my car feeling more defeated and lost than ever before.

  
  


“Wait.”

  
  


I paused before turning back around. Abby had pulled away from the man, and had managed to take two cautious steps closer to me.

  
  


“You called me... Roo?” Her bottom lip shook.

  
  


A shaky smile crossed my lips. I'd given her that nickname when she was younger. There had been a time when she hopped every where like she was some sort of damn kangaroo, I'd told her that if she didn't stop, her legs would bow out and she'd never be able to walk normally. She never believed me. But the name stuck.

  
  


“Yeah, I gave you that name when you were six.” I finally answered.

  
  


She glanced down to the ground before lifting her eyes back up to me. “Have I gone crazy?”

  
  


I shook my head, tears were starting to pool in my eyes. “No. You're not crazy.”

  
  


She nodded and another sob broke through her lips as she took one more step closer. “But... how?”

  
  


I swallowed, forcing the lump in my throat down. “It's—” It's what? Complicated? A long story? Unbelievable? What could I possibly tell my baby sister?

  
  


It didn't matter, before I even had a chance to think of an answer for her, she was hopping down from the porch and sprinting to me.

  
  


I grunted as her body crashed into me. “It's you, it's you!” She was laughing and crying, I was doing the same.

  
  


I buried my face in her neck as we rocked each other back and forth in a tight hug. She smelled like peaches and honey. She smelled like home.

  
  


  
  


  
  



	10. Chapter 10

“We have to tell them.”

 

I frowned up at Abby. “No.”

 

“But Jules! It's Mom and Dad. You don't think they'd want to know you were alive?”

 

I flicked my eyes down. “I know they would. But how do we explain it?”  
  


Her soft brown eyes narrowed down at me. “Well, first of all I'll be the one to tell them, because trust me, you just showing up yelling 'surprise' won't go over well, but if you just let me do the talking—I know I can make it work. I know it.”

 

I pursed my lips. “I did not yell 'surprise.'”

 

She laughed. “You might as well have.”

 

I rolled my eyes before folding my arms across my chest. “Whatever.”

 

Abby sighed as she plopped down beside me on the couch. “What about Joey?” She said his name so softly that I'd almost felt like I had imagined it.

 

“What about him?” My mouth had gone dry.

 

“Jules. I get it now. I get why you ended it, but you can't tell me that what you and him have isn't the real thing, and if I get to have you back—well then he should get to have you back too.”

 

I shook my head as I tugged a hand through my hair, I was ruined in ways that he didn't deserve. I'd never be the girl he first fell in love with... not ever again. “Abby. I'm broken now.” My voice cracked at my confession.

 

“No! No no, Jules.” She wrapped me in a hug and I breathed her in.

 

The wall that I had built to keep the tears inside wasn't holding up so well. I shuddered as I pushed away from Abby, holding her at arms length. “Listen. I'll think about Mom and Dad, but I don't want to talk about Joey again. He deserves so much more than me. You understand that?” My lip quivered, but I sucked it in before Abigail could see.

 

Abby studied me, a thin line etched across her forehead. “I don't understand Julia, but if it's what you want. Okay.” She nodded and offered me a smile.

 

 

()()()()()()()()

 

Five months.

 

Five months since the last time I had stepped foot into my room. Everything was just as I had left it. I smiled at the pictures that littered my walls, and the half used candles that cluttered my shelves. Books were crammed in every available space, and the comforter I had hand stitched when I was first learning to sew was still folded up nicely at the foot of my bed. I was home.

 

The first night I dreamed I made it all up.

 

I'd found myself staring down green eyes and a wicked smile as he punched holes into my chest. I'd screamed for him to stop. Screamed so loudly that eventually he had, because a terrified Abigail had raced to get to me, had shaken me awake and then stayed with me, huddled under the sheets, holding me as we both cried.

 

The morning after that, Abigail took an entire week off from school. I begged her not to. She shut down all of my attempts to convince her to change her mind though.

 

Secretly I was glad.

 

Because I spent that week learning how to laugh again.

 

()()()()()

 

Three weeks.

  
Three weeks had come and gone. I inhaled deeply as I pulled a sip of coffee from my favorite mug—the same one I had always used, complete with the tiny chip from the time I had dropped it. I was sitting outside, rocking myself back and forth on the porch swing. Abby had left for school and I was alone. Alone enjoying the sound of birds and the smell of fresh cut grass. I'd just decided that I would start a fall garden soon when I heard a car pulling in.

 

I shifted. Shit. I couldn't be seen. I set my cup down as I ran to make it to the front door before I was spotted, but I froze as I caught a glimpse of the red ford parked in the drive.

 

Joey?

 

My heart hitched in my chest. What was he doing here? Shit shit. I forced my feet to move, just barely making it inside and closing the door behind me before I heard the soft tell-tale creak of the porch as someone stepped up onto it.

 

I pressed my back against the door and I listened for his footsteps. I held my breath when he came to stand just in front of the door. I could hear quiet shuffling sounds, and then again the creaking of the porch step as he must have walked away. I swallowed as I strained to hear the quiet purr of his engine starting back up. And then just as quickly as he had come, he was gone.

 

Slowly, I cracked open the door. There just on the other side, where Joey had just been, sat a box full of memories. My memories.

 

I crouched down to peer inside, smiling as I did. Photos, my old sweaters, shoes, and little pieces of me. Oh. My heart ached. He was really saying good bye wasn't he? Well, six months had passed. That was a reasonable amount of time for a loved one to grieve, wasn't it? So why did it hurt so much to know that he was officially letting me go?

 

I bent to scoop up the box and brought it inside, setting it on the counter by the door before shuffling over to the couch and flopping down unceremoniously. I felt like it was suddenly a whiskey kind of day.

 

()()()()()()()

 

I was hammered. Dancing without rhythm in the middle of the living room when Abby came home.

 

She froze, her eyes narrowed in on me. “What are you doing?”

 

I smiled at her. “Dancing.” I yelled over the music.

 

She nodded. “I can see that.”

 

“Mmm-hmm.” I smiled at her before holding my hands out and motioning for her to come to me. “Dance with me!”

 

Maybe I should have remembered. Maybe I should have thought for even a minute, what it would feel like for her to see me this way. Because the last time she'd seen me drowning in alcohol, had been the last time she'd seen me alive.

 

She shook her head, before stomping past me and grabbing up the controller to mute the music. “No! I... is something wrong? Is it happening again?”

 

I stopped my bouncing long enough to blink at her. “Is what happening?”

 

Her face paled. “The— thing that happened last time?”

 

“Oh.” I frowned. “No. Abby no! It's not ever happening again, okay?” I walked closer, peering down into her solemn face. “I promise.”

 

 

“Okay good. I just. I don't know.” She huffed before dropping the controller down to the counter. “I guess I have an irrational fear of losing you, and seeing you drinking.” She paused to look at me. “Why are you drinking?”

 

I pursed my lips before nodding at the box that was still sitting on the counter. “Joey came by.”

 

“What?”

 

“Yeah. I had to hide, and then he left that!” I pointed an accusing finger at the box.

 

She frowned as she made her way over to the counter. “What is this?”

 

I shrugged. “All our stuff. Guess, he's moving on or something.” I hiccuped as I swayed a little on my feet.

 

Abby eyed me. “You okay?”

 

 

A strangled cry stuck in my throat before I managed to nod. “I guess so. I mean, what? Was I expecting him to pine after a dead girl forever?” I laughed. “Get it—pine? Because of coffins?”

 

Abby frowned, shaking her head at me disapprovingly. She scooped up a few of the items in the box before setting them back down. “But you're not dead.”  
  
  
I threw my hands up. “Yeah, well he doesn't know that!”

 

 

Abby twisted to look at me. “He could. He could know that, if you wanted him to.”

 

 

()()()()()()

 

_I was going to live._

 

 _I was._  
  
Except every time I tried to, your damn eyes came back to me.

 

()()()()()()

  
  


I gasped for air as I sat up in bed. I shifted, lowering my feet to the floor and stared at all the things in my room that reminded me that it was not a dream. It was real. I was here, and I was safe.

  
  


I bit my lip. Life after death as it turns out was no easy matter. I'd been home two months and still the dreams haunted me.

  
  


Abby was convinced that it would be easier for me to adjust if I would just let my loved ones know. But that was something I just couldn't—do at least not yet.

  
  


I tugged my hair into a high ponytail as I stood from my bed and walked to the window to stare out into the night. It was a full moon. And for not the first time I thought about Dean.

  
  


I wondered if he was awake somewhere staring at the same moon. I wondered if he too was trying to forget what he had done. I blinked back tears as memories flooded over me. His hands, his lips, his cruel laugh.

  
  


But he was good. I knew it deep down. He was good.

  
  


Maybe the key to learning to live was really learning how to forgive. I twisted around, my eyes scanning for something I'd left earlier on my desk.

  
  


Paper and pen.

  
  


And then I began the process of writing it all down. All the ways that he had broken me. From the first time to the last. I wrote until my fingers ached, I wrote until the sun came up, and then I wrote just a little bit more.

  
  


_And if you're reading this now, it's because an Angel in a trench coat made good on his word._

_You see Dean, you deserve to know. You needed to know everything that I knew. Because maybe you broke me in Hell, but I think when you broke me, it broke you too._  
  
And here's the thing, we don't have to stay this way. I forgive you.

 _Signed,_  
  
Julia Morgan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
